Healing

Today I had my monthly check up. I've gained 6 lbs in the past month - doctor said it was a bit much but that it's good for me.. I've gained 15 lbs since finding out. Baby's heartbeat was in 140's as it's been for a while now. Everything else looks good. She checked me for dilation due to the braxton hicks but that looks good too. I have an U/s scheduled for Friday to check the measurements of my cervix. Hoping to get a picture!

Now... I feel what's coming next is very important for me AND Justin before baby comes...

I found an adoption healing group the other day and decided to post. I was then invited to join a healing chatroom that takes place at night. The owner of the groups name is Joe and he seems to have dedicated his life to adoption healing. He is an adoptee and he has also worked with natural mothers. He has written books on adoption healing for the adoptee and natural mothers who have loss from adoption. He is also a psychotherapist. So today I entered. A lot of the time I switched back and forth between 3 emotions - Anger, Sadness, and Numb.
Maybe numb isn't an emotion, is it?
I felt anger at adoption. I felt anger at feeling loss of control.
I felt sadness for everyone involved. I felt sadness for the relationships broken. I felt sad for the hurting of others. I felt sad for my own loss. I felt sad for my son. I felt sad that I felt I had no choices.
I felt numb because I felt like I was every adoptees mother. I felt numb because feeling would have tortured me. I felt numb because Bennett is one of them.
I felt like I was and am at fault - even though I'm told it's not my fault.


I wrote this in chat about emotions:
 I see it as building a wall... the emotions are just a river that you could handle a little at a time even though it feels overwhelming and frightening because rivers are big... but the taller you build the wall to prevent against the river water coming in... the more the water builds up until it becomes an ocean you're attempting to prevent against drowning in... if you let the wall down a little at a time you can work on handling the water - each emotion slowly while pacing yourself... but letting the whole wall down feels impossible to do and it's frightening to even imagine working on letting any in in fear the whole thing will break down.

He also invited me to an Adoption BBQ on the 31st of this month - the location is 3 hours away. I think I'm going to talk to my mom about it or someone that may possibly be able to watch Lailah and have Justin take it off work and go up there. It could be helpful, who knows.