Outcast.

I miss my best friend more than anything in the world right now. More than my bud, more than drinking, more than anything. I miss Bennett but in a total different way than my best friend.
I feel like I've lost him for good and he's never coming back and it kills me inside.
He was like a part of me - literally, my best friend. I am hurting and I am grieving and I wish he cared. How could he not care?
Today I went to the healing chat and it's filled with Adoptees which is great. But they all talk about their pasts because their pasts are adoption related and it's necessary for their healing which is wonderful for them and I'm happy they can heal.. But for me it triggers my past and my pain and I feel like I can't bring it up because it would be throwing in their face that I wasn't adopted.
I hate my past and how I grew up and it hurts. Sometimes I feel sad that I don't have another family out there somewhere that might love me more than my family does. I don't have any second chances. I have my family and I have to live with that. I can't blame the abuse I've gone through on people who really were never my family to begin with and live in peace with the idea that another family would have treated me better if they were able to keep me. I have to live with the fact that my REAL mom and my REAL dad were the ways they were to me. That's it. I can't have a do-over with any other family who may or may not take me in and accept me.
I am so sad that I was force fed as a kid - getting a tube shoved down my nose into my stomach. I'm angry that my parents never cared to know or prevent against what was happening to me. I am sad that after those feeding treatments I was locked up in a white room that only opened by a buzzer on the outside - that I was was practically treated as a prisoner locked up in solitary confinement.
I feel like my mom never wanted me and she has admitted to me many times that she wasn't ready for me and that it never was like I was her child. She told me that when Moe came along she finally had to step up and become a mother and with me she didn't so she never learned to with me. Which only makes me feel like she didn't care to - because she did know how for Moe and Brian, but not me.
She's always told me I was adopted even though I'm not. Because she could never love me like I were her own. She's blamed it on so many things - my hair color, the fact I'm skinnier, my acne - anything she could pick out about me to prove I was the black sheep. Granted now my mom and I are working on our relationship - but it's more like.. we're just people who know each other and sometimes do things for one another out of the feeling of obligation.
I also felt like an outcast growing up and I wish adoptees knew that they're not alone in that feeling. That I feel that way too and I wasn't adopted.