Adoption loss

Today I got caught up in the adoption world and found myself feeling trapped there. I chatted with quite a few adoptees and got their points of views Not that I really enjoyed it.. but maybe it was necessary. It wasn't too bad... just made me hurt inside over my loss of Bennett. I wish I could be there for him, I wish I could hear his laugh everyday, I wish I could kiss away his tears, I wish I could teach him more words to say, I wish I could teach him how to do the jungle gyms at the parks and how to do front rolls and cartwheels. I wish I knew he was safe and protected just by seeing it for myself. But I can't. I can't do any of that.
Adoptees seem to feel like just because a woman gave birth and lost her child to adoption that she has an obligation to that child for the rest of her life - no matter the emotions or feelings it gives her. No matter if it eats away at her and makes her become or feel suicidal. She has that obligation to her child no matter what, not the aparents, the natural parents - especially the mother.
That really got to me and it hurt... why? Because I did what was best for my son or what I felt and was told was best for him... and now I have to constantly stay broken inside, injured, hurt - I can't heal this wound because healing would mean 'closing' and closing could create ignoring and forgetting... which I can't do. I have to remember and I have to be here for him for if he ever decides to reunite. I guess its not too much different than how I feel about Lailah but the big thing is is that, she is here with me - he is not. And I know, I know - it wasn't his choices. But he has his aparents and Lailah only has ME.
Imagine if you cut your skin open and deep. You must get stitches to heal. for weeks, months - the pain is still raw and fresh. Nothing you can do will shield you from the pain of the wound healing. But then eventually it heals and you start forgetting. You start living normally and you can pretend it never happened. Every day goes by and you don't waste a thought on the wound you acquired months/years ago. You've healed.
I fear that if I heal that this is what will happen - I will start living normally and pretend that it never happened. That I won't have any more thoughts about it or him. It scares me to death - I don't want to become one of those moms, so I feel that I can't heal. That I must continue this pain - for him.

I get thoughts like:
What if he feels abandoned? What if he feels sad? What if he feels left out? What if he feels lost? What if he feels as if he doesn't belong where he is? What if he feels like he doesn't know who he is? What if things happen to him in his life that I could have prevented otherwise?
It will be all my fault.