Happiness and surviving - birthmom side of triad.

Today wasn't so great. I was depressed and agitated most of the day. I kept trying to ignore it but it was becoming difficult by the end of the day. Especially when Taco Bell messed up my order then after driving back there they argued with me about it for 5 minutes before admitting they were wrong and fucked up. Then I realized I forgot my laptop at my moms and had to go the complete other way to get it, which was totally out of the way. -.- I just feel so stressed out which is making me easily bothered and such. :/

But then I texted Bennett's Amom earlier asking her if she wouldn't mind sending me some pictures. :)


How could it get any more perfect ! See that Elmo he's snuggling !!? I just sent him that. <3 I wrote, 'We love you Bennett, Love Rachael and Lailah' On the feet ! <3

He is a little piece of perfection. A little piece to the puzzle in my life. And although he isn't here with me, he is still a piece to the puzzle that makes up my life. One day I hope to reconnect with him and bond together to become complete again, that is - if he lets me. <3

I want him to know that I will never forget him. I want him to know that I think of him every single day. I want him to know that even though he's far from me he will always be a part of me and in my heart. I want him to know that every single day, I just really want what is best for him. I want him to know that I miss him more than I've ever imagined I could miss someone or something. I want him to know I love him and I can't wait til the day I can hold him in my arms again. <3


Adoption is strange - unnatural some would say. The pain... is something you never 'get over' or 'move on' from. Other who have never experienced may not truly understand this. As a coping mechanism my mind and body have sort of tried 'forgetting'. And although I know it happened, most of the time it doesn't feel real.
So every time I get pictures it feels very surreal.
I look at him and I feel so much joy and happiness at first, I smile and my heart beats really fast and I just get literally - overjoyed by seeing him. That is my initial and probably very natural response. My baby is alive and well !
Next, the longer I stare at the pictures the stranger it becomes because then it's like, Holy shit - I had a baby 2 years ago. How did I have a baby 2 years ago?! Omg I gave birth to this perfect little boy and I know this because he looks just like me. How have I lived without him? Where did these past 2 years go? Have I been 'present' since I've relinquished him or have I fallen asleep? Is this reality?
Then right after - tears brew up in the corners of my eyes and my chest feels heavy. I then know I've hit my limit and that pictures must be tucked away until next time I'm not so 'open' and memories must be shoved to the far corners of my mind. I close back up and I remember - this is how I've gotten by these past 2 years; this is the only way I survive. Without one of my children, simply surviving has got to do.