very emotional night

Tonight I started wondering if I'm in the denial/anger part of grief. And I honestly feel I may be.

Tonight I feel very sad and I probably feel sad for many many reasons but my brain won't really fill me in. I feel so angry and hurt that I'm sad. I feel so abandoned that I feel sad. I feel so confused and worried that I feel sad. I just feel sad.
I don't like to feel this type of emotion, I don't like to allow it in. If I feel it, what if I get trapped? What if I get stuck here and I can't get out? What if I turn into a bubbling pit of depression and self pity? I can't do it. I can't allow it. If I allow myself to get down and depressed about adoption I will be weak, I have no control at all. I need to be stronger than that, I need to hold on.
The problem with that is is that I don't feel it could be done how I want it to. I am also afraid of closing up and ignoring the emotions to the point where I completely close up and then I won't be able to reunite with Bennett. That reuniting would be too triggered, too difficult - like it would be as if I had seen a ghost. Like someone gone for so long came back to life. Then I have to face the fact I moved forward without them and now here they are.. and my life has continued and maybe it shouldn't have?

I'm just going to ramble... random thoughts, might be cleansing.

I hate adoption. How can I face it? My adoption isn't even 'bad' but I can't even seem to handle it? I feel weak to adoption and that makes me hate it even more. I am weak because I can't get out. I could ignore it, sure - but where would that leave me? Not well off I would assume.
I want to keep pretending that he is their son and that I'm just a person on the outside sometimes taking a glimpse in.... but then that makes me feel like some type of strange creeper.
He is my baby though.... but he isn't, he is theirs. I love him though.... but they love him too. How could I have loved him so much to have left him there with strangers? How could I possibly have believed that was what was 'best' for him?!

I miss my bud and I miss my best friend. I want bud so bad right now so that I can hear these thoughts more objectively and not so personally. So I can hear them and work through them without having to feel all of this emotional pain and hurt. I want my best friend back and I literally feel like I am grieving over him. I miss him so much it hurts. How could he leave me? I mean... I left him but I've told him many times before that I will always be back, I told him to never believe me if I say I am going. I just need space. He's like... gone though. He doesn't care about me anymore. I mean nothing to him. I am easy to forget about and easy to move forward from. I just must not really matter that much at all.
Maybe I'm being forced to feel this due to Karma. Karma is making me feel what Bennett would feel. Maybe that's what all this about, I'm being punished.

I am so fucking emotional tonight and I don't even know the trigger.
Everything is just making me feel like I am weak and vulnerable.