I refuse to feel ashamed.

I'm going through something. Not sure what exactly yet.
I've uninstalled the fb app and messenger from my phone an I'm trying not to go on fb at all really. I've gone on a couple times but only for 5 mins tops and got off. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for that. Facebook is a pretty bad addiction of mine.
I've been trying to keep my mind and hands busy, I've been playing with silly putty.
I've also been trying to spend more time with the kids and keep calmer with them. I'm doing pretty well with that too..
But idk. I'm doing well, but I'm high.
I've started smoking bud again and more often than I ever had in the past. So, is it really me? I like to believe it is. I like myself. I like who I am. I feel like I'm the person I intend to be, bud makes that easier for me.
Is that so wrong?
I've also downloaded a public diary app and I really like it. I have been able to talk to others and help them feel better about their lives. I feel like I'm making a difference in some small ways. I enjoy it.

Tom and I have become closer than we've ever been before. I am so nervous but so excited too. I really "like" him. I LOVE his personality, who he is, how he thinks, he can make me laugh so hard, and he always "gets" me and if he doesn't he does his best to understand me. But we've entered something new. We haven't labeled it because he's weird about labels but we're "seeing each other" in a way. We've been talking every day through text, We've skyped a couple times too. I've sent him photos of my body and small video clips that definitely excited him. :p I've really missed him. I feel like I was missing him for years now, I feel like we were always arguing and getting into fights and now I feel close to him again. I feel happy with that.

Justin and I are doing really well too. He's such an incredible husband and man. I'm so happy that he's in my life and that we've decided to live our lives alongside each other and raise our littles together. I'm really happy with that too.

I feel so happy with life right now. Not really "content" yet, because I am not exactly where I want to be yet, but definitely happy. lol Maybe it's the weed... but I like to think that I am still me even when I smoke some bud. A happy, better version of me. And I'm ok with that.

Feeling emotional due to the adoption

I'm feeling so emotional. I haven't heard from Liz since Oct 1st. I didn't even know what Bennett was for Halloween! Today I messaged a woman that I met in an adoption group, that knows Liz and is friends with her on fb. She sent me a photo of Bennett in his costume. He was Curious George. And now I feel like crying.
I texted Liz last Sunday but no response at all.
I worry about if they're ok or not - if Bennett is healthy and safe or not. :(
It hurts.
I hate how this effects me. I wish I could just not feel any of this. It's been almost 6 fucking years, why can't I just feel better already?
I just wish he knew me and that we could see each other. I wish he could know that he's adopted and that I love him. But idk if he will for a very long time. :(

Life changes suddenly

I've totally forgot to mention that I have reopened contact with my mom. It's not something I truly have wanted to do yet I feel I have to. We are struggling pretty badly financially and my mom throws money around like it's her job. So, I knew that if I reopened contact that she would be very financially supportive - which we need. So far... things are going ok. I'm keeping my distance, we don't go stay over at her house much at all - only to do laundry, and I will continue keeping this distance because I feel it's important for things to remain somewhat healthy.
I've also reopened contact with my sister.... It's interesting and weird because we're both actual adults now and haven't been close in many many many years. I wouldn't say we are close but she's been talking to me more than we have ever talked in a really long time...

I shouldn't be giving more chances at all. I know I shouldn't. But I do need their help.

I've also went back to smoking bud again, I've come off all my medications - even my birth control, and I'm going to try to get back on top of caring for myself. I let myself go for a long time.

Today, our heat got turned back on. Tom actually paid for some oil for us so that we could have heat. Thanks to that oil I was able to actually clean my house today!

I've been feeling a ton of stress and emotions lately. Between Justin losing his job, struggling financially, court due to his stupid arrest, my feelings between both Justin and Tom, not having heat before today, my mom and moe, I also got into a bit of a fight with my dad *read below*, and how I feel with all the adoption trauma coming up recently... I'm spread thinly.

My dad and I got into an argument over the phone because he was asking to watch the kids overnight and I told him I didn't feel comfortable with that. He was like, I know how to care for kids! And I was all like, except that you feel crying should be punished and you believe in physical punishment. He was like, I won't hurt your kids! I won't touch them! And I was like, you have a low stress level/tolerance level. And he was like, "I never hurt you!" I was like, "really? .... REALLY? Are you fucking kidding me?" So then I hung up and we didn't talk for a couple of weeks. We still aren't back to the place we were at where we were talking often weekly... so, yeah.... I can't BELIEVE he tried claiming that he never hurt me. Talk about trying to gaslight me.

An arrest warrant?

In other news,
Justin got arrested last Weds. He got pulled over for having a headlight out and then the police claimed he had a warrant out for his arrest. The warrant was supposedly for missing a court date due to the last time that he had gotten pulled over way back in March or so. Back in March, he got pulled over for a simple traffic violation (he supposedly drove too close to the curb while turning). And at that time the officer asked for his license but he was still waiting on the hard copy to come in the mail and his paper copy had somehow gotten lost or ruined so he didn't have it on him. The officer looked him up in the system and told him he was not in the system and that he was writing him up for driving without a license.
Fast forward back to last Thursday when we went to court (I met him there), they forgot he was even there. When everyone else - even the arrests, were seen around 11am and they didn't bring him up to release him, until almost 2pm! They then claimed he was driving on an invalid/suspended license and that he would need to go back to court this upcoming Thursday (tomorrow).
So Justin went to the DMV last week and got paperwork that proves his license is valid and active. So, I guess we just have to go to court tomorrow and see what is going on..

I'm feeling so stressed out all the time. Gah.
Oh and we also had no heat on in the house, couldn't afford it, and Tom messaged me and told me he would buy it for us and did. Just now, the furnace isn't working. njgkrjkrk gah!

Digging a deeper hole.

So last week I was feeling very ungrounded and very stressed out. So, I impulsively drove to PA last Tuesday to hang out with Tom for a couple days. It was soooo nice to just chill and not have responsibilities.
Justin got laid off a couple weeks ago from work, so he stayed home and watched the kids.
Tom and I hung out, smoked together, and we had a blast. I remember laughing and smiling so much and saying, "I feel so happy right now." Life felt incredible. I felt so much peace as I was with him.

I was soooo nervous because I really "like him, like him", honestly, I know I love him. But he has so many of the same traits that I do - just weird unconscious behaviors that make us both seem or appear "weird" to society. My whole life I strayed away from people that had "quirks" because I knew that they could get you noticed and/or bullied. But with Tom, I felt I had to fight through it all because I really love who he is as a person, as a brain, and a soul. Nothing on the outside mattered to me. What does it matter what people think of him or me, or us? Why care about what they think or feel? He's such an incredible human being.
Well after a while of just hanging out and chilling he started lightly rubbing my feet which then turned into him rubbing my calves. And I don't even know lol it advanced from there! I somehow ended up straddling him as he laid down. It's all a blur. Haha. There was a lot of kissing on the necks, biting, my shirt coming off, him sucking on my breasts and fondling them, lots of heavy breathing as I ground myself on him, dry humping him. The first time he seemed to cum in his pants really quick lol. But then we did this several times and I got off (came) every time. I felt so present and content with him.
It did advance a bit further as one of the times... idk around the 5th time or so he went down on me and then I pulled him up and he fingered me. I forgot how amazing it felt to be fingered and he's been the VERY first and actually, only other man to, finger me just like Scott used to - which is the best most pleasurable way. I've tried showing/teaching other partners in my past but it never worked out so I figured only Scott could do it... and I just let it go. But Tom can too. Only thing that sucks afterward is feeling like I have to pee really bad for a few hours lol. But in the moment it feels really really good lol.

I live a Soap Opera life. Good grief.

Way too much has been going on... it's quite insane.
SO... as ALWAYS I ran back to Tom. And I realized why I always have and why I always do. I love him.
He has been there for me SO many times when nobody else was. In Jan when I woke up in the hospital from my suicide attempt, who was there? Tom was. Not my husband, not my parents, not anyone else - it was Tom. When I was pregnant after being raped who was there? Tom. When I was a disaster in the past every single time, who was there? Tom. Who gave me perspective when I felt crazy? Tom did. Who told me I was intelligent, beautiful, and worth something at all times? Who constantly tells me that in his opinion I should feel pride in myself? Tom. He's always, always been more than I could ever imagine and not having him close to me hurts. I feel so empty in a way without constant contact with him. I feel sad that he is so far away and I take desperate measures in attempt to lead him here to be with me. I can't imagine my life without him in it.
What did I do with all this realization? I opened a can of fucking worms. 
How? What did I do?
I told Tom that I've always had feelings for him and that I couldn't just get over them and that they were driving my fruitless attempts to drive him here to be with me. I remembered a time a few months back where he asked me if I still had feelings for him and I blatantly lied to him and said no. And then I tucked it back in and went on with our friendship. Tom then asked if I was serious and if it was a road I really wanted to travel down. He was nervous about what Justin would think and feel. Of course, so was I.
The next day I talked to Justin in about everything. I told him everything I was thinking and I was feeling and we discussed a possibility of me becoming Polyamorous with both him and Tom. He has said he wishes to remain monogamous with me, though. Basically, he would remain my husband but I would be free to enter into a relationship with Tom as well.
Over the past couple weeks since all of this has happened Tom and I have had some.... intimate/sexual conversations over messenger, some photos and videos of myself have been sent to him, as well as me getting wasted for my birthday then video chatting him naked... resulting in me teasing and him pleasuring himself to me.
The day before yesterday I sort of called him out on his emotional walls, his protective coping mechanisms that tell him that he's not human and that he's not afraid of losing anyone and that others can not hurt him. It was long winded and I basically told him I know that he's human, has emotions, and loves me, but that he is scared out of his mind to let his guard down - but that I completely understood why he was. He didn't really respond back to it at all, suggested he would think about it, but then today he smoked some bud then I think he drank before passing out. But we did talk and I was able to vent to him about my day which happened to be extremely stressful on me. And again - HE was there. It always feels so good to talk to him. I just really wish he was actually physically present in my life. I miss him and it hurts.

Back to square one.

Guess we are back to square one. With Tom that is.
I'm just soooooo done. Like, I'm so sick of the back and forth bullshit. It seems that everything is good as long as I'm around when it's convenient for him. But fuck what I feel I need or want.
This time it was about my birthday. I invited him well over a month ago. He said he would come up for my birthday. But then I asked him if he could bring a game for that sat that we would be celebrating and he was like "oh shit, you're celebrating sat?" And like, yeah.... everyone works on Monday, nobody wants to be up til 4am on Sunday when they have to work Monday... since when have I EVER celebrated on a day that is not Friday or Sat?
I straight up bitched him out too. I'm not one to hold anything back. Anything you read here, I've said to him straight up. I don't beat around the bush or tip toe around what I feel and think.
So then he was all like, yo I can't come Sat I have to work, sorry they need two people on, blah blah blah, I can come Sun. And I was like, there's no point.. I'm celebrating Sat, on Sun you would just pretty much be hanging out with my kids as I scroll my facebook laying in bed, we wouldn't even be hanging out or anything together.
Only after like an hour of me being a complete bitch he was like "Well, what if I can get Sat off and come up?" Oh, so he didn't even fucking bother to ASK before my bitch fit??!?! Like wtf. Apparently, I'm not even worth ASKING for, it wasn't even like he KNEW he couldn't. He just literally didn't even bother asking. I was like LMAO, NOW? No. I don't want shit from you.
He then messaged me some stupid ass video which was the WRONG thing to send me when I was pissed off. I wasn't even planning on blocking him and just being done. But after that I blocked him and I don't think I will ever look back. I'm literally so done with the fucking bullshit.
I've kept trying and trying and trying and forcing something that doesn't seem to be working because I couldn't accept letting go of my longest friendship of 7 years. But it clearly isn't emotionally healthy for me anymore and I just can't keep feeling like I am not of any importance at all to him. He's so fucking back and forth, there and then not, he loves me then he's emotionally void, he cares but then he doesn't. I'm so done with it. I tried for so fucking long, he can't even claim that I didn't.
But wtf does it matter what he thinks of me anyhow? wtf ever man.

It's a wait and see kind of time..

A lot has happened this past week.
I got to a point where I begged Tom to come see me. I told him I could not continue being friends with him unless he moved here. He told me I was hard balling him. He said I had to give him a week to make a decision because he couldn't make a decision that quickly. I told him okay, one week. That was last Weds.
He later confessed that he was worried because we are super tight and he worried that we would get "too close", as in develop more for one another. I understood his worries because I've thought of them before as well.
I think it might have been Thursday? I brought up the issue with Justin. I told him that I wanted Tom to move here but that we worried about things developing. I asked him what he felt comfortable with. After much talking, Justin agreed to allow me to explore what could potentially happen with Tom. He said he trusted us and that whatever we would do would be alright with him, that he liked Tom and they were good friends. I believe he truly meant it too. He actually seemed really excited and turned on by the idea.
Friday night... I think it was, I talked to Tom on the phone late at night when everyone was sleeping and he was super super flirty.... like got me hot and bothered kind of flirty. It was extremely unexpected coming from him. I was kind of in disbelief. At that point I really was interested in exploring more with him.
The weekend came and went. Maybe Monday.... I told Tom that I had thought a lot about it but that I wanted to go forward with TTC for my 3rd? 4th? baby.... and that I could understand he wouldn't want to come here because of that. But I asked him to visit at least twice a year. He said he could do that..
Last night I woke Justin up to come sit by the shower with me while I sat under the water. I confessed to him that I felt I was so interested in things potentially happening with Tom because I felt sort of neglected by him. I told him I was upset because he hadn't called me Bunny (his nn for me) in so long that I couldn't even remember the last time he called me that. We weren't having sex very much whenever I tried to orgasm he wouldn't really "let me". During sex he would "last a while because it felt soo good" but when it came to me and dry humping he came quickly, even when I asked him not to.... because it wasn't about him, I guess? He can hold out for himself but not for me, is how I felt. I admitted these feelings and thoughts to him last night. He didn't have much to really say back about it.

Also during this time.... Sunday I decided to contact my mom, who I have not had any contact with since April. I called her and told her that she could come see the kids and I if: 1. she set up therapy for us to attend together at least once a month and 2. that she would see the kids and myself at my house or in a public place.
I probably should have set up more boundaries with her but I guess we will see as we go..
And then today my sister messaged me asking me if she could come over... I told her I wanted her to work on a relationship with me if she wanted to see the kids because I don't want the kids to see or be around unhealthy relationships. She told me that was why she messaged me... but I know that it is because she wanted to see the kids and that it really had nothing to do with me. So she came over and we ate pizza and played some cards. It went okay but not much different than how things usually go.. we didn't talk all that much at all.. and it was kind of forced and awkward impo. But whatever.

I guess we will have to just wait and see how things go.

FML

Well, it happened again. I have cut contact with Tom.

Honestly, I feel that he really just doesn't care about me as much as he says he does. If he cared about me he would want to see me and he wouldn't keep lying, bailing, and making up excuse after excuse. 

I can't get what I feel I need from him. I can't get what I feel I put out, in return. And that really hurts. 

I told him that I had reached my limit and that I had to protect myself. 

For me, it's not much different than Bennett's adoption, which I am also considering cutting off. It's just so little contact that it literally hurts. It causes more pain than none I would feel. At least with none I feel I could grieve and move on eventually. With the way things are now I get a little contact and then periods without and during the periods without it hurts and then I get contact again and then each time without I feel more depressed than before. It is truly a struggle.
He hasn't even attempted to contact me. He hasn't called me, hasn't messaged me on another profile, hasn't tried to contact Justin at all, and he's also not here... so that shows me how much he really truly cares. I doubt that he will even attempt to see how I am and that this will be the end to our almost 7 year friendship. 

In a different event I asked my dad for help paying for a blow up mattress and I told him that we couldn't afford to keep making payment on this rent-a-center mattress as it's $120 a month. He of course ran to my mom about it. She told him that she had paid our mattress off. He called and told me. I had Justin call rent-a-center to check since, well since when can we trust her? And they told us no payments had been made and that they have to come retrieve our mattress. I called and told my dad that mom had lied but he insists that she did not. He called her back then me back and her story had changed to "paying off the mattress next week". Righttt.... We will see. If RAC comes and picks up our bed we will truly know that she's lying but even if they don't and she does pay it off I will feel that it had more to do with my dad pressuring her than anything else. 

I've been feeling this lower abdominal pain for the past week now. I went to the walk in clinic on Sunday and they told me I had a uti/bladder infection and gave me antibiotics but the meds are almost finished and yet I am still in pain. I might decide to go to the ER but I am not sure yet. I'm waiting it out to be sure it isn't just constipation that will resolve itself. We will see in time I guess.

Small update

So, I've been thinking about our financial situation lately and I've come up with a sort of plan. So, in January Vantel is hiring, the pearl company I want to work for. And tax return is in Febuary. With the tax return, I've thought we can use part of it for a midwife, the expenses we definitely need, and potentially a doula.... and with the rest put it all toward rent. That should leave us around 5 months of rent paid. That will give us time to save up for future months rent. Tom said he would help us in the mean time. I know that he's not 100% reliable but I feel if he knew we truly needed it that he would be there for me, or at least that is my hope.
I'm also going to wait til I see my psych next to see what we can do about meds before Justin and I star ttc. Because I've read that there can be serious consequences of this medication for the baby if I were to stay on it. And I refuse to risk my baby's health. So we will see..
Not much else to be said a the moment. Not much else has been going on.

Another bump in the road.

Today I asked Tom to move in with us again.
I know, I know, he is VERY unreliable. BUT we really need to figure SOMETHING out, anything decent.
Scott is bringing me to court to lower child support and it WILL be lowered as most of his jobs he gets paid under the table and it's not on record.
Without the child support we will have a VERY hard time getting by each month. Justin only makes min wage. After rent, car insurance, gas, electric, 1 phone, internet, and rent a center (to pay off our mattress) we will be in the negatives each month. It's not do able. I doubt we will even be able to afford Christmas this year. Maybe I can convince the kids to postpone Christmas until tax return time. It won't be the same but it'll be something. *shrugs.

The only other options are to work weekends and never see Justin, turn off internet and phone and go without whatever isn't 100% necessary - which also means having no means of communication with anyone - even doctors in the case of an emergency, or having a stranger move in - which leaves the opportunity for someone we don't know to negatively effect our lives if they so choose to.
I don't like any of those options.

We will work it out I'm sure... we will figure something out, we have to.

Life is actually going really well right now!

My day went alright for the most part. I am feeling better again lately and not as stressed out as I was before. Today I had a therapy appt and so my dad came over to watch the kids and he let me use my car to attend it. It went fine. I didn't really have too much to talk about. I talked a little about the kids and their personalities, about accomplishments I felt I made, and coping skills that I use when I feel triggered and stressed out.
Then I had a psychiatrist appt after Justin got home and I got all the way there only for them to tell me I was late, had to reschedule, and that if I was late or cancelled one more time I would have to find a new psych. Which really bothered me because I left an hour early to get there and was stuck in traffic. Oh! And nevermind the fact that when I get there I often sit there for a half hour post my appt time and it's ok for her to waste my time yet if I'm 10 mins late I'm not seen, what kind of bullshit is that?!
After the appt I felt like, "Why do I keep trying so hard for my mental health when others don't seem to care." I have this expectation that mental health workers have an obligation to their patients and their wellbeing, that they should care. But I can see that it really isn't that way, that they don't care and they are simply there to get paid. I am a paycheck to them and my mental health is up to me and me only. That my friends and my husband care but a mental health professional can't let themselves care because it would become unprofessional so they have to maintain boundaries where they shut off towards their patients. It's fucked up but that's the world we live in.
I get my birth control taken out a week from today! I'm excited for that. I really would like another girl but I would be happy with either gender.
We went apple picking with my dad yesterday, it was a lot of fun, the kids really enjoyed it. My dad said we may go to the corn field this weekend and I lovee going there so that will be a great day. :)
Ah, also! I finally have a good number of friends. I'm talking to my friend Tiffany again. <3 And I have Rebecka, and Dorian and I are becoming pretty good friends, Tom and I don't talk as much anymore but he is still my best friend, and I have Justin of course. <3 I really like having them all because it makes me feel really supported and like I have people who care about me.  We all align really well on all topics. We all parent similarly, have similar beliefs, we're advocates and activists, we all care about the well being of children, and they're there for me and I'm there for them. I love it. I'm beyond grateful to have them in my life.
Things are looking up! We've had our apartment for 10 months now and we've never been late on rent. We have been paying out bills, Justin's uncle gave us a new car when ours crapped out on us, and things are going really well. <3 I'm happy with how things are right now. The only thing that could be better is seeing my husband more often but it'll all be worth it in the long run when he graduates and gets a good paying job!

Parental Self-Reflection Questions

Parenting from the Inside Out, Daniel J. Siegel, M.D, and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed.
Page 146-147

What was it like growing up? Who was in your family?

Unfortunately, I don't remember too much, I don't think. My child hood I feel was average. I was spanked by my dad, my mom was around but wasn't involved very often. My dad spent a lot of time with me teaching me things like how to swim, ride a bike, he taught me about different animals, and to find shapes in the clouds. I had a swimming pool, a swingset, and a big yard that I played in often. I had a friend who lived a couple houses down who I hung out with often, we used to sit on the side of her house that had a strip of grass, catching crickets. We would sit and imagine for hours there. She also had a tire swing we played on, it's a surprise we never got hurt. Her dad was also very aggressive and he hit his kids with belts and such. I had a good amount of friends in elementary school but we grew apart as we got older. My dad got more aggressive the older I got since the more out of control I had gotten due to the injustice I saw in my family. I wasn't really rebellious but I didn't like when my parents would twist or change the rules to fit their wants or desires. I remember spending a lot of time in my room, outside, and cleaning the house for my mom (not because I wanted to). Idk..
My family consisted or my two siblings, my parents, and myself. We also always had a lot of pets since my mom bred dogs to sell. We had lots of different kinds of animals though, a bunny, cats, fish, a chinchilla, ferrets, a snake, turtles, iguanas, birds, and probably more that I don't even remember. Many died in the worst possible ways, I'm sure that traumatized me. Either that or they were taken and sold because my mom didn't like them or to punish us.



How did you get along with your parents early in your childhood? How did the relationship evolve throughout your youth and up until the present time?

I can't remember too much from early on. I think we had ok relationships but the older I got the more strenuous our relationships became. I don't really remember my mom much in my life at all. I remember her talking on the phone and doing dishes the majority of my childhood. I don't remember her ever doing anything with me as a child. My dad did things with me, he taught me a lot and had a lot of fun with me and my siblings. My mom often would instigate fights between my dad and I the older I got. My dad got more and more aggressive over the years. As a teenager I felt trapped. I hated my life. I hated my parents. I was very depressed. My mom was very mentally and emotionally harmful towards me. I remember her making harmful jokes and comments towards me and everyone laughing at me often. I was the brunt of every joke. I was often told to shut up and that I was stupid. As a teen I just wanted to escape. My dad physically beat on me a lot and my mom emotionally did and I hated life like that so I ran away a few times. I think the earliest age I remember being was 7 or 8 years old. I don't remember much at all before that.
Eventually, as an adult I called my dad out on his treatment of me when I was younger and he broke down, cried, and told me that he didn't know how to raise children, that he just was trying to do what he knew how in parenting. He told me that he wished he knew better so I forgive him. Now we have a decent relationship. He helps babysit if I need it, we go out to the beach, festivals, apple picking, pumpkin picking, etc together. We do a lot together with my kids now and I really enjoy it. I enjoy having him in my life. I feel he does it more out of a feeling of obligation rather than an actual connection to me but I'm mostly ok with that because at least he is still here in my life.
As for my mom, I tried for a long time with her but each year I've realized more and more how much I just hate the kind of person she is. I've realized she is a narcissist and that she can't be changed. She is who she is and she will always be nasty, manipulative, controlling, and mentally/emotionally abusive. She will always lose control of herself and become a very spiteful, angry, and cruel person. I cut contact with her back in April for the 2nd time in my adult life because of who she is as a person. I can't keep doing it with her - attempting a relationship when she'll keep turning around and purposely hurting me. It's too hurtful for me to keep going through that over and over again. She was "supposed" to love me and care for me but she can't. Not in the way that mothers really "should". Not in the way I feel I deserve, that every person and child deserves from their parent. My whole life I've had the thought toward her that, "I just want you to love me" and "I just want to be good enough for you". Because I feel she's never loved me and I've never been good enough for her. And both those things I now struggle with in my adult life even in other relationships. I feel like I can't be good enough and even though I know they love me I feel it's not enough. I hope to change that though with the self help I work on for myself. I hope to be able to let go of the pain from my childhood.



How did your relationship with your mother and father differ and how were they similar? Are there ways in which you try to be like, or try not to be like, each of your parents?

My dad was much more hands on than my mom was. He played with me, taught me things, tried to comfort me from time to time, I feel he really helped shape me into who I am today and not in negative ways for the most part. But my mom was nearly completely opposite. I don't remember her having much interaction with me at all in childhood. One of the only memories I have where she actually did something with me was when I was 5 years old and she colored with me. She's done more with her daycare children than she's ever done with me. I don't remember her ever being there to comfort me or help me through a difficult time ever. I don't remember her ever teaching me anything besides how to be mean to other people and other undesirable traits.
I try to be like my dad in the sense that he spent hands on time with me and my siblings and I want that for my children. I try to spend time with them, teach them new things, and tell them how much I love them often. My dad also taught me how to apologized by apologizing to me when he knew he had lost control and so that's something I also mimic as a parent to my children now.
I try not to be like my mom at all. I hate everything my mom is and I would never want to be anything like any part of her at all. She belittled me, she bullied me, she controlled me, she manipulated me, she made me hate myself and feel like complete shit all the time. She made me hate life. She made me doubt who I was and worry that I could never be good enough. I don't ever want my children to have to recover from childhood like I have had to.



Did you ever feel rejected or threatened by your parents? Were there other experiences you had that felt overwhelming or traumatizing in your life, during childhood or beyond? Do any of these experiences still feel very much alive? Do they continue to influence your life?

I instantly thought, "yes" and "all the time" about feeling rejected and/ or threatened by my parents. I felt very rejected by my mom and very threatened by my dad. When asked about the other experiences I remembered the time my first boyfriend had broken up with me. I was extremely emotionally overwhelmed. I was laying in bed screaming and crying for many many hours and nobody in my family cared to even check on me or be sure I ate, or anything at all. I was ignored by them to handle it on my own. Which I didn't very well at all. I don't really feel that any of those experiences are still alive in my present day life but I do think they influence my life in some ways. I do sometimes get overwhelmed easily and when I do I don't want anyone near or around me and I think that's because 1. I was isolated when I was emotionally overwhelmed and 2. I had to fear my dad when I was emotionally overwhelmed so it was safer to be alone. I think I still hold onto these coping mechanisms that no longer serve or benefit me in today's life. I also sometimes feel worried that my husband will leave me, lie to me, or hurt me in some way due to my experience in my first relationship.


How did your parents discipline you as a child? What impact did that have on your childhood, and how do you feel it affects your role as a parent now?

My mom sent me to my room to sit in there all day; or she gave me a lot of chores to do around the house. My dad spanked me which overtime became more and more aggressive as I tried to shield my bottom from being hit or tried flipping myself back over to prevent myself from being hit by him, which caused him to just hit me wherever, throw me, yank me by my hair, etc. I see memories in my head of him yanking me off my bed by my hair and sitting ontop of me as he hits my face into the floor - it was because I threw a milkshake when I was upset and angry, he was telling me to lick it up. I was a very timid child although very outgoing to people I trusted and felt safe with - I talked a lot and I looked for attention from anyone that would give it to me. I was afraid to get in trouble, I remember constantly getting this terrible rushing feeling whenever I was scared I was in trouble by someone. Eventually, within my family I started standing up for myself and against the injustices I noticed in my family - which only got me in more trouble obviously. I stopped really caring about myself. I remember around 13-15 I really hated myself and wanted to die. I remember writing suicide notes often and when my family would find them they would make fun of me, call me names, tell me to "stop being stupid", and that I was pathetic etc. "What are you gonna do? Kill yourself? yeah, real fuckin smart". It's playing in my head. As an adult I actually sometimes feel "glad" in a way that I went through what I did as a child in my family because it taught me exactly how I DON'T want to ever be. It showed me what to avoid. It made me feel ways in response to my parents parenting that I don't want to inflict on my children to feel. But I do struggle with things like feeling overwhelmed, feeling uncared about, feeling like I don't matter or I'm not important to my family, feeling triggered by my children, and yelling sometimes because of my childhood with my parents - especially my mom.



Do you recall your earliest separations from your parents? What was it like? Did you ever have prolonged separations from your parents?
I don't remember. I remember being at my grandmothers house sometimes, I remember playing with her barbies and her empty spice containers, I remember making chocolate chip cookies, helping her and my grandfather wash dishes, sitting with them at the dinner table to eat, and riding on the lawn mower with my grampa. I assume that I was with them often before my sister was born since I don't remember her ever being present and I don't have memories this young with my parents. I don't remember anything else besides the things I mentioned above, so I don't remember if I was upset about it at all. I also remember being a little older and being babysat by a woman and man around the block from us I believe we called them nana and papa or something like that. I don't remember anything that I did with them though, or anything emotional.



Did anyone significant in your life die during your childhood, or later in your life? What was that like for you at the time, and how does that loss affect you now?
My great grandmother died - I don't remember what age I was. I remember feeling sad but not too broken up about it. I also had a lot of pets that died as well. For some reason death hasn't really effected me too terribly. I've had an aunt and an uncle die in my teen years and I felt a little sad but nothing devastating though. I feel like I have an issue with processing death because I feel like I am not as sensitive to it as others are.



How did your parents communicate with you when you were happy and excited? Did they join with you in your enthusiasm? When you were distressed or unhappy as a child, what would happen? Did you father and mother respond differently to you during these emotional times? How?
Honestly, I don't remember how my parents reacted to me when I was excited or happy. I feel like I often was just ignored. I have no idea. But when it comes to me being distressed or unhappy I specifically remember being told to, "get over it." "get over yourself." "stop it or I'll give you something to cry about." and I was very often ignored in my room as I cried for long periods of time. My parents never came in to check on me or ask me if I was alright. My dad would sometimes come in after hitting me or beating on me to "check in" on me, he would tell me he had to and that he was sorry and didn't want to hurt me but felt he had to. My mom just ignored me all together.



Was there anyone else besides your parents in your childhood who took care of you? What was that relationship like for you? What happened to those individuals? What is it like for you when you let others take care of your child now?
I had a lot of therapists starting from when I was very young - I don't remember having much of a relationship with any of them. I had teachers in my life, most of them I became really close to and I was very sad moving onto the next grade without them. I remember when I was 5 and broke my leg, I was in kindergarten and I had a teacher come to my home and teach me, I remember that I got very close to her and I was very very hurt when she left and I didn't get to say goodbye or anything and I was devastated. I had a big sister from the big sister organization named Karen, she was in my life for about 5 years. I have missed her for a long time, I've even tried to find her multiple times but with no results. I grew very close to her and I feel like she was more of a mom to me than my own mom was. When I was about 10 I was hospitalized for about a year and I grew close to a couple of the nurses - Anna and Mary-Ellen, I was sad when I had to leave them as well. And when I was a teen I had a school therapist - Mrs. Cindy who I was very close to and I miss her as well. All of these people served a role in my life and then when the role was over they left.
I don't like having others care for my children. I don't often trust people at all. I always fear them being harmed by others or treated in ways that I don't feel would be beneficial for their well being. Lailah goes to her dads often and I get very anxious and I fight when them semi often because of how they care for children - they're very punitive and want complete control over children rather than guiding and allowing children to be their own people. I don't like that. I fear my children having to recover from their childhoods like I've had to.



If you had difficult times during your childhood, were there positive relationships in or outside of your home that you could depend on during those times? How do you feel those connections benefited you then, and how might they help you now?
Yes and no.... It's complicated. Nobody could physically help me. I had a therapist in my young teens who I was very close to, I had her personal number and I called her often after my dad would beat on me and I would run away. She always told me to go to a shelter, but I had no idea how to find one or what to do when I got there. She could never help me outside of that. Friends parents wouldn't take me in in fear of getting either a kidnapping charge or harboring a runaway charge. So, I always had to go back home and be physically, emotionally, and mentally harmed. But I believe that the therapy I received did help me grow into a better human being than I would have been otherwise. My sister and my brother weren't as lucky to have been considered as broken as I was by my mom to receive the amount of therapy that I had. They're still stuck under her rule with nothing.



How have your childhood experiences influenced your relationships with others as an adult? Do you find yourself trying not to behave in certain ways because of what happened to you as a child? Do you have patterns of behavior that you'd like to alter but have difficulty changing?
Oh yes. It was more noticeable, to myself, when I was a bit younger. Now I feel that who I am has sort of become who I am, its solidified in a sense. I find myself constantly afraid that people dislike me for whatever reasons, that if I talk to them they're tell me I'm stupid or to shut up like my family always had. I have feared being outgoing because I was hardcore shamed as a child for being outgoing - I remember making the sudden change to becoming very introverted. People didn't like me for who I was when I was a kid. They made me hate myself too.
As an adult I don't really recognize patterns of behavior I dislike that I would like to alter. I mean, I get touched out sometimes and I feel stressed sometimes and I yell from time to time, but I feel I do 100% better than my parents ever had. I'm proud of who I am and how far I have come.

Heavy situations.

A few things have happened that are quite heavy this past week. Around last Friday a situation happened where someone had screenshotted a status I made on fb about my mom ignoring Justin and Noel at the grocery store. My mom, being the immature narc she is, ended up messaging one of my fb friends who had commented on my post. My fb friend let me know that my mom said I had cut contact with her because Justin and are abusive. Yeah, we are the abusive ones. -.- The next day Moe also messaged my fb friend talking shit about me.

I had originally thought that only my dad and my cousins ex gf Isabella still had contact with my mom. So I asked Isabella who told me it wasn't her because she no longer sees any of them since breaking up with my cousin Mikey. So I had believed it was my dad and so I deleted him off my fb, blocked him, and didn't answer his calls for a few days. He then came over my house on Saturday night telling me it wasn't him and he was upset that I had deleted him. I told him Moe told me it was him. I really don't know,  I lied in attempt to find out his reaction to that to see if he was being truthful to me. He said he no longer even wants to talk to them after they would go out of their way to message my friends. He then asked to go with us the next day to a fall festival, which we went to and it was a lot of fun. 

I also realized afterwards that it could have been my moms friend from poker Anne-Marie. It was most likely her. But now my dad knows I am serious and that I won't tolerate any bullshit when it comes to my mom and her side of the family. 

In other news, today Scott, Lailah's dad sent me a ss from my mom where she made a fb post saying that 3 blood tests say she is pregnant... God,  I sure hope not. If she truly is I am hoping it's a tubal pregnancy - ectopic. Because she honestly would fuck another baby up too. That poor baby would have no chance. She doesn't even have anywhere to put another baby. My brother sleeps on the couch, my sister lives in the basement which floods constantly... and 3 step brothers share a bedroom. Honestly, nowhere for a baby. A baby deserves so so much better than a family like hers. I feel so sad for another life to be born to them. 

It's ironic too that 1. I haven't talked to her since April and she's supposedly having another baby after "losing" her oldest. And that 2. I have been considering trying for another baby soon and then she's supposedly pregnant. I'm not sure if I believe it but I feel sad if she is, only for the sake of another human being raised in the same world I was raised in with her. 

I think I am going to call maybe tomorrow to make an appt to have my Implanon removed to start TTC for next Summer. :) We will see. 

Stupid body memory.

My last post was nearly a month ago.
I've lost all interest doing many things that I have previously enjoyed doing. I am still on my medication so I am sure that it's not that. I don't have suicidal thoughts torturing me so it's not that bad. But I just have lost my drive to want to do much. I even missed the fall festival that I love to go to each year. I have not wanted to leave my bed, I have been sleeping as much as I can, and I don't leave the house. I've been easily agitated, frustrated, I don't want to be touched, I don't want to talk to friends or anyone really. I was wondering the other day why, why is this happening? What is wrong with me? And then it dawned on me that 6 years ago around this time is when I was raped and made to conceive Bennett. Apparently, my body remembers even though I consciously do not. I remember this happening last year too but I had forgotten until I had just remembered recently due to experiencing it again. I don't know. I am just going to wait it out and I am sure that things will improve again with time.

Had a pretty good day.

Justin started school tonight. I am doing alright today.
I went with my dad (well, I walked with Noel - he drove the laundry baskets) to the laundromat. We ate Subway as the clothes washed. We had a good day. It was very very hot out though and I didn't eat or drink before leaving the house and the walk was about 20 mins in 90 something degree heat. It wasn't a smart idea. I had originally thought that we would get a ride with my dad but Justin brought the keys to work so we couldn't get the carseat out of the car to ride with my dad.
My dad called me overprotective because I refused to put Noel into the high back booster that he has in his car. I told him that if anyone were to hit us Noel would be killed and that is not a risk I am willing to take. Absolutely not. I think it is insane that the older generations don't take safety seriously. It's a wonder how we survived. It truly is.
Maybe that's where all my luck went - wasted on keeping me alive in childhood.
I got Noel down to sleep before Lailah got home and so when she got home we ate pizza together and I put curlers in her hair. She then watched some videos with me on Facebook before passing out.
I also cleaned the house really well today and put all the clothing away before Lailah got home.
I feel accomplished and proud of myself.
Is that something to feel proud about??
Now I am just hanging out on the couch with pizza and coke-a-cola waiting for Justin to get home... annnddd Noel just woke back up and grabbed a slice of pizza haha.
Ah, he never stays asleep for long but I am glad I got some one on one time in with Lailah. :)
Tomorrow is supposed to rain.. maybe we will play in the rain for a bit tomorrow. Who knows.

I just don't want this pain anymore. I hate life post relinquishment. I hate it.

I wish I didn't live in this hell. Nobody can understand. I feel so alone the large majority of the time. People make my trauma out to be trivial. Get over it, you're "lucky" for what you have, it was your "choice", deal with it, at least this, at least that...
Fuck you.
You have NO fucking idea what I deal with and get through on a daily basis.
I get up, I care for myself and my children, I live the life I am "meant" to live, I push my pain and my struggle to the side so I can be who I need to be for my children and my husband. And then I get triggered by bullshit that supports the reason I am in this hell to begin with and I feel like I have traveled through time and I am that 20 year old who just got home without a baby, whose milk is dripping through her shirt with rock hard breasts, who is crying uncontrollably begging the universe to make her forget.
But I can't forget, it's never going away, nothing can change this life I lie.

Want to bitch and complain about me being "offended"? Don't be the one to cause the triggers and trauma.

I am so triggered by a post that a woman made today soliciting for a newborn in a natural parenting group that I am in. I am even more angry that I had to leave the group because I sincerely liked that group and used it often. 

I am suddenly hurting again. I feel tears bubbling up inside of me. I am hurt. I don't want another woman to live with this pain and torment that I do all the time. 

I feel so lonely too because most of my friends can't understand, my friends who can haven't been around, other friends who can won't talk about it because it is triggering for them too, and my best friend Tom is dealing with his own shit so I can't turn to him either. 

I hate being alone with all this pain, struggling, and emotions, with all this stress and overwhelm. I don't want to do it...  

Aiming to be who I want to become.

Tonight I went out walking with Justin and Noel. We walked for 3 hours playing Pokemon Go and I stickered all of downtown Pawtucket with Intactivist stickers.
Justin went with his dad to look at cars which didn't accomplish anything as they were mostly all closed but that's ok. He called some family and told them about our situation and supposedly an uncle of his is going to give us a car for $150. We will see in time how that goes... but it's cheap enough to buy and see how it goes... $150 is a lot of money but not for reliable transportation.
I've been reading to Noel more often recently and I am proud of myself for that. Seems so little but for me it is so big.
I've been a lot more active recently than I have in the past. I've been walking more, doing more activities with the kids, reading more, we go to the library, etc. I feel somewhat accomplished. I am not perfect but I am slowly moving forward into being who I want to become.
I am worried about Justin starting school this month on the 15th because I will miss him a lot and I am scared that I will feel very lonely without him during the week. He will be working from 7-3 then school from 5-10 until next October, not this October. :( It feels like such a long time but I am hoping that it will pass quickly.. He is going to get his HVAC-R licensing. And then hopefully (fingers crosses) he gets a good paying job in that field.
My cousin posted on fb about an app called Habitica which I downloaded and hope it will help me accomplish daily tasks. It's a game, sort of, that rewards you for completing tasks that you program into it. So, I programmed into it playing with the kids, going for walks, normal daily tasks, cleaning, cooking, showering, etc... Hopefully it will help motivate me to become who I want to become. Because often times I feel the want to do something but don't have much motivation to get up and do it, which is my biggest struggle.

Step by step....

We are at a low point. Oddly, I am doing well.
I have been grumpy and pissy - sure. But I feel stable... emotionally. I don't feel depressed or anything crazy.
Without a car - life is obviously quite more difficult.
My mom also messaged me, maybe a week ago or so... she told me she wants to help me but that I blew everything out of proportion. Of course, I am at fault. I sent her a message back saying that her not being able to take responsibility for her actions and behaviors is exactly why I don't want contact with her ever again and that I would rather be dead.
All of this is happening with the car and both my dad and grandmother are telling me that if I were to talk to my mom again that she would give me my van back... but even as pleasant as that sounds I just can not even get myself to go back to my mom and her abuse. It's just not worth it.
I am finally feel happy, feeling stable, feeling in control of myself and my life - and YES we are struggling and life is hard.... but if I were to go back to contact with her life would still be hard and I would hate myself again because of how she makes me feel. I can not even convince myself that it is worth it due to the trauma I struggle with because of her.
I would rather be struggling than to actually communicate with my mom again - that should say a lot.

Gah, idk.... one step at a time, hour by hour, day by day... that's all we can do.

New therapist and adoption trigger.

I am meeting a new therapist today. I'm really scared and afraid to open up to someone new. I fear they won't be as kind and understanding as Ericka. When I think of her I still feel sad because I really liked her and I miss her. With therapists I find it hard to not get attached to them in some way because I spill my heart out to them, my entire life story, you know? I open up to them in way that I don't open up to others in my life. I look to them for guidance, understanding, and healing. It's very intimate in its own sort of way. Mentally and emotionally intimate.
I was doing really well the past couple weeks. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I was very active with my children, I cleaned my house often, I was on top of everything that I needed to be. I changed my children's pediatrician over to the new one that I want so that we can stop vaccinations. Everything has been really great. I even started feeling "content" in a way with my adoption, feeling like I can't change it so I just have to accept it..... that is until a couple nights ago.
A couple nights ago I was watching Grey's Anatomy and there was an episode with a 20 year old girl who was expecting a baby and she had wanted to keep her baby but she had no support of any kind - not financially, mentally, emotionally, nothing. And her father gave her support and told her he would help her keep her baby before he tore it away and told her she couldn't be a good mom, she couldn't even learn. I couldn't handle it. I ended up shutting it off; I couldn't even finish watching it. It was so extremely triggering to me.
I ended up taking to Facebook last night and writing this up:

*I HAVE TAGGED EVERYONE I COULD FIT TO TAG THAT IS ON MY FRIENDLIST SO EVERYONE CAN READ AND DECIDE TO KEEP ME AS A FRIEND OR DELETE ME. ALL ARGUMENTS WILL BE DELETED*

INFANT Adoption agencies prey on young, usually poor/resourceless women who have no emotional/financial support so that they can take the baby and sell it to an infertile couple for up to $50,000 profiting tens of thousands while the mother goes home empty handed no better off than before entering a hospital - actually worse off, most go home and experience severe nightmares, hallucinations, and fall into the worst suicidal depression imaginable.
http://www.originscanada.org/…/adoption-trauma-the-damage-…/
Since my son was adopted 5 years ago I have struggled severely with PTSD, hearing a baby cry when none is around, waking up in severe night sweats panting or searching for a baby that is nowhere to be found, I go into psychosis and have needed to be hospitalized 5 times in the past 5 years alone, I have attempted suicide due to the pain and struggle of others not understanding and telling me to get over it, let it go, he's not mine etc.
When I first contacted an agency it was because my mom and I got into a huge fight and she kicked me out after calling me names like whore, etc. I had nowhere to go and nobody to depend on.
I was 20 and already had a daughter who of which my mom kept from me. I was afraid and alone and I moved in with a friend. I couldn't get hired anywhere due to being pregnant. I tried so hard to get a job and to make money to support myself and my son but nobody would hire me or help me.
I contacted an agency through tears and instead of asking "is this what you'd truly want?" I was told that I was undeserving of my son, that others with more money could provide a better life than I ever could think to because I was poor, that a GOOD mom would give up her baby and that I would be selfish to keep him, among a lot of other things to make me feel worthless or worthy of keeping and parenting my son.
For the weeks following I was contacted repeatedly by the agency to tell me that I would be a savior to give up my baby and that there was a couple lined up to adopt him - they set up a phone call where the couple was on the line listening in and they started talking to me, the woman was crying telling me I was a miracle and that I was saving her.
After the call ended I was told that if I tried to keep my son the agency would sue me for the deposit the couple had given them which was tens of thousands of dollars and that they would get DCYF involved to take my daughter too since in their opinion I was too emotionally unstable.
I was even more afraid and I felt I had zero choices at all - ironic that the agency was called A Birth Mothers Choice.
I found adoption support groups online and found out that I am not alone, that this happens to millions of mothers every year, all who have lost their child to adoption as well. It wasn't just a single corrupt agency - it's how they get their babies to make billions of dollars yearly.
I was promised an open adoption, that my son would know me, that I would be in his life and be family. I was promised that I would get yearly photo albums and that he would know who I was. Which is legally enforceable in RI but they illegally transferred the adoption through SC law when they got back down there (they live there) and they made our contract null and void. He is 5 and doesn't even know he is adopted. Legally they can close the adoption and I have no leg to stand on, there is nothing I can do.
After I gave birth, in the hospital I only got 3 hours with him holding him, before the adoptive couple came in and took him from me and acted like I had died and didn't exist. I went back to my recovery room alone to cry as everyone on the hospital floor ignored me. This all happened before I even signed termination of my parental rights. Legally he was still mine yet I somehow had no decision making over him or to even be able to spend time with him alone. The hospital supported them instead of me.

Many people believe that it is the right thing to do and that I was undeserving of my son, simple for being young and poor. I was RAPED but in their opinion that is no excuse for an unexpected pregnancy. It doesn't matter what I went through. Apparently, anyone that is poor just doesn't deserve their own child after birth. They do believe that adoptive couples are more deserving simply for having more money. I ask these people to delete me because it is far too triggering to me to know that you feel that what I have gone through and experienced is OK so that others could take my child.

I live every day without one of my children. You can not imagine what that is like unless you do it too. I don't even have a grave to lay at, nowhere to feel am in his presence. He is out there in the world - without me. And yes, he may be thriving and I am happy for that, but he could have done that with me. I was weak, I was pathetic and I let people break me down and I feel anger at myself all the time for that. But I give myself grace because I was hormonal, pregnant, or I had just given birth and was on a ton of pain medication. I was not in my right state of mind and everyone took advantage of that. I was sexually raped and then I was mentally and emotionally raped is how I feel about it.

And I AM NOT ALONE. I know hundreds of women who have gone through VERY similar situations and stories as mine. And it is not right. It is fucked up.

I have 3 children and yet only 2. I have 3 children yet only was allowed to name 2. I have 3 children yet when people ask I must tell them 2. I hate this. I hate all of it.

Adoption has fucked me up, torn me apart from my very core. And if you think that is beautiful - leave my life. Leave it now. Because being destroyed is not beautiful.

I got a lot of support, understanding, and compassion in the comments to my post. Many of the people on my friendslist aren't people I truly know - they're intactivists, human rights activists, or other mothers of adoption loss. They're people who strongly believe in the same things I do. I like having them on my friends list because I feel like I am not so alone, that others think and feel the same as I do, that I am not some strange freak of nature. And quite a few of them I've become pretty good friends with. 

We will see....

Gah I am in such a bad mood.
Justin and I got in an argument today IN PUBLIC while we were on our walk with the kids and the dogs around the block. It was stupid but basically it was because of his attitude and demeanor and I just couldn't handle it. I suggested something for dinner and instead of responding to me or telling me his thoughts he got all grumpy and pissy. And eventually that pissed me off and I suggested pizza but he kept screwing the order up too and he was shouting at me while the pizza guy was on the phone. I told him to hang up because it was so embarrassing.
Later on after we got home, Noel came in and asked me if I was still mad. I told him yes I was. He said,  "Because daddy yelled at you?" and I was like, "Oh so I'm not crazy? You thought so too?" And then said to Justin, "Funny how even a 2 year old noticed." Because he was claiming that he wasn't yelling or upset and that I was the one cranky.
When I get really upset and angry like I felt earlier I notice I want to "out" people, in a sense. I recognize that it's something my mom has always done to make herself feel better, I assume. A friend of mine messaged me one of her opinions that I highly disagree with and since I was already upset I wanted to "out" her - basically bitch about her and how big of a hypocrite she is. But I know that it would ruin our friendship and that's not something I really want to do and I acknowledge that she wasn't the reason I was angry, she just sort of stepped into my "warpath" so to speak. My anger wasn't directed at her but I felt like she was adding fuel to my fire, even though she didn't realize it. I don't want to be like my mom and I fought hard not to be.
That is until I saw a post about this woman I used to hang out with last year named Lucy, who I am no longer friends with for multiple reasons. The post was pretty much telling all intactivists to not believe anything she says because she is a liar and I fed right into it spilling all my hatred of her out onto the post. I "outted" her and told everyone on the post just how nasty she is. Which she truly is. She is the most vile person I've ever known. I tried to be friends with her but she is SUPER judgmental and super mean to people to their faces. She judges everyone that has children, besides herself. If you formula feed you don't deserve children, if you struggle with mental illness you don't deserve children, if you've been through abuse you don't deserve children, if you vaccinate you don't deserve children, if you don't buy all organic then you don't deserve children, if you use a child harness then you don't deserve children, and the list goes on and on and on for the things she judges for. She literally sticks her nose up and makes disgusting looks and very loudly announces that she has to get away from "shitty parents" so that they overhear. She is just super nasty.
Maybe I shouldn't have. I should have taken the higher road. Idk, I don't really care though either. I don't like her at all and others don't for the same reasons. Whatever.
But I feel like I semi succeeded and I wasn't exactly like my mom since I didn't ruin any of my current friendships/relationships. I was angry and upset and I got through it and acknowledged what my immediate thought path for my behavior was and I was able to focus on changing it to get a better desired result.
I'm not super proud but I'm glad I found enough power within myself to make a better choice for myself and my friendship.

In other news, Ericka left and I'm bummed out about it but I start a new therapist next week so... I guess we will see where that will leave/lead me. Idk if we will work out or connect but we will have to wait and see... I just hope that this new therapist doesn't add to my trauma and cause me even more fear with searching for a new therapist... :/
Idk, everything feels like a waiting game in my life right now - we will see, we will see, we will see.

Shattered glass.

I'm mourning.
I'm mourning my therapist.
I'm mourning my family.
I'm mourning this idea of what I thought life was/would be like.
When you're little they make it seem like one day you'll grow up and you'll get married, you'll have a home, and some kids, you'll have friends that come over and hang out a few times a week - they stop over without a call, just show up at your door and you all act like family. This was the dream I always had. You would sit with these people eating pizza and ice cream, while you watch a show on tv and rant about life. You would confide in each other and help one another babysit each others kids if the other needed a break or some time to spend with the partner and there would be no strings attached because you all care for one another.
But life isn't like this, it's all false. What we were led to believe was a huge lie.
Life is boring, life is lonely, life is dark, gloomy, and quite sad. Life is stressful and worrisome and most days I don't want to get through.
At least back when I had my family I had a semblance of this life I long for. Even though my mom is abusive and my siblings hate me and barely tolerate me - I had a place to go where I could just walk in and be with people. Where I felt like I had others around me that cared for me even if they didn't. And I miss it. I know it's more healthy for me to stay away from them but I miss the idea of that life that I long for. To just have people to be around and hang out with and call up and say, "hey want to catch lunch?" You know? Just anyone.... and I just don't have that and that hurts in my heart so much. I don't have anyone to call up and just play a game with or laugh with while playing a silly game... I don't have any of that at all.
Justin works all week and comes home tired, lately we've barely been spending any time together. I'm home with the kids all the time by myself all day long and most days Lailah doesn't even want to be here with me because she says I'm boring and when she's with her dad he brings her places. I'm too poor for that type of life so... I can't give her the happiness she seeks.
I feel so worthless. I feel so utterly worthless. I'm like a bump on a log that sit's around and does nothing and potentially floats down a river doing whatever is necessary on the log just floating along, making it through, and that's all I'm here for.
I try to make friends so hard and everyone makes excuses to not be around me. I'm more than broken I'm damaged to a point where nobody wants me. I'm shattered glass.

Glitter of hope.

Justin went today after work to a school that offers an HVAC-R program. He got in. He will start on August 15 of this year and graduate Oct of 2017. It's a somewhat long road but it will be worth it in the end. I'm proud of him but I am nervous at the same time. He will be working from 7-3 like he does and now going to school from 5-10pm. I will miss him a lot but it will, in the long run, give us our freedom back and we will have some money to help us out as well. I am hoping that this will be a new beginning for us financially.
Next Tuesday I plan on going to DHS to try to get food stamps... yet again. We desperately need them and this time they can't deny us since we only have one income and literally can't afford food.
We just spent money on food even though our bank will more than likely be in the negatives by this time next week. Rent has to be paid on the first and car insurance will pull out soon after that. We don't have enough to cover it and won't even with Justin's upcoming checks being put in.
BUT I think we will survive this so I am trying to keep a cool head and not get all worked up. If worse comes to worse I will ask to borrow money from my dad and if he can't then I will put my pride aside, call my grandma, and ask her. Not what I would like to do, so that is worse case scenario...
BUT I think things will work out. We are trying here. We are doing our best with the cards life has dealt us.

The answers are inside. And I will find them... one day.

What do I NEED?
I have no idea what I need. Love. I guess. I need to LOVE myself. I just don't know how to do that. I often think I NEED friends, I NEED someone else to love me, but no amount of friends or external love will make me feel whole because I am not whole on the inside. I need to figure out how to accept myself and love myself. How does one love themselves when their whole childhood they weren't taught what love truly was? How does one accept themselves when their whole childhood they were not accepted?
I NEED to love me.
I NEED to accept me.
I NEED to find out who I am.
Who AM I?
I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a woman, I am caring, I am compassionate, I am a best friend, I am someone who likes to read, I am a human rights advocate, I am firm in my beliefs, I am passionate, that's all I can think about right now.

I think I need to find more time to cry, find time to connect with my emotions and express them. I abandon myself when I ignore my own emotions. I abandon myself just as my parents always had. I don't sit with myself when I am hurting, I don't love myself through it and I should. I shouldn't feel ashamed. I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable and scared because I was taught that emotions were not safe. I was taught that if I showed emotions I was annoying and I would be harmed.

I feel sad and I have been wanting to cry but I'm not sure what I am sad about. I must have it repressed pretty deeply. I keep getting the thought that I just want to be loved. And I know I am loved so it's not necessarily that I want to be loved because my husband loves me and my kids love me and Tom loves me. So, it's not love itself. I think I want my mom to love me, that hits a chord with me. Because I feel like she never has, never will, and literally can't. That hurts. I have to somehow learn to accept that though.

Thanks mom, for fucking me up.

Last week my therapist broke the news to me that she is moving out of state and I would have to stop seeing her. I broke down and cried pretty hard and came home and cried even more. Next Weds will be my last appt with her and that frightens me. I am so afraid of opening up to someone new. I'm afraid to tell someone personal things about myself only for them to hurt me more than help me heal which has happened before finding Erika. I am afraid to find someone that I feel can't understand me or isn't on my mental level. It scares me. I already feel broken enough, I don't need it made anymore worse.
On a different note, we're really financially struggling. We only have 600 in our account at the moment and we have pretty much no food in the house. We have eggs, bread, and pasta. That's pretty much all we have. On Friday Justin will be getting paid which will put out bank at around 900 but 800 will be going to rent and then our bank will be going in the negatives once car insurance pulls out. Next week after the 4th passes I will be going to try to get food stamps. Hopefully that will help us out and we will still be able to afford next months rent and car insurance without going into the negatives again. I'm hoping that since our account will be in the negatives that they'll approve us for food stamps right away.
I don't like living "off the system" but they really make it difficult now a days to live without it, especially for people who struggle with mental illness and are already in poverty. My hope is that with therapy and my medication that one day I will function better than this point in my life where I am at currently and I will be able to get a job that makes me feel successful one day.
Today in therapy I talked to Erika about things that Lailah says or does that makes me feel inadequate, makes me feel like I am being used, that she doesn't love me as I wish she would, and that I feel worthless and unneeded. But all of that is untrue. The truth is that those things that I feel have nothing to do with Lailah at all but everything to do with the pain and trauma my mom put me through when I was a child. Lailah is just trying to find her place in the world. She is never trying to deliberately hurt my feelings, she loves me so very very much. She cares about me tremendously. But she's exploring herself and trying to get her needs met in the only ways she knows how. She is also trying to find comfort in figuring out her own ways and things she likes and dislikes while asking for my approval. My mom really fucked me up. My mom made me feel so worthless, stupid, unwanted, like I wasn't enough, that I was uncared about, bad, and unnecessary. She made me hate myself. And although I don't hate myself now and I don't consciously believe those things. I believe I am good and that I do my best to be the best person I know how every day. But I guess I don't always believe those things because I often feel I am not enough for my children, that I am worthless to them because I can't provide. I try to make up for that in my parenting, I honestly try to be the best mom I can be. I try to be everything my mom never was for me for them. I struggle with it a lot because I've never had it but I read a lot and I work on it as much as I can. I am not perfect but I am proud of how far I've come as a person. But financially, I feel like I have nothing to offer. It's difficult.
And people say, "Just get a job, just go back to work, blah blah blah." But they don't understand what it's like for someone that struggles with a mental illness. I do better mentally and emotionally when I am at home. I do worse when I am at a job being unappreciated. I wish Justin could get a good paying job but in order to do that he has to be able to attend school which is near impossible when he's working full time. It's not an easy world out here. And I'm just not sure what to do.

I can't be a hero. :(

I've been feeling a lot of very strong intense emotions today. I have been seeing so much trauma everywhere I look, it's all over the place, so much pain...
A 2 year old has been eaten by an alligator, he was attacked at a Disney resort while vacationing with his parents.
A 13 year old was raped, potentially by her brother, carried her baby and CPS came and kidnapped him from her.
A 3 year old had climbed into a gorilla enclosure at a zoo and the gorilla was shot and killed.
These are just the most recent terrible things that have happened that I just can barely tolerate. I hate the world. I hate other humans.
Today for the first time ever I have actually craved morphine/other strong medical grade painkilling medications. Because they make me feel so relieved. Not just physically either. I have never ever craved these medications in my life before today and yet, boom here I am. I am so bent out of shape.
What kind of world is this? There is so much pain, trauma, and hurt everywhere. And idk how to help. I just wish I could help save people from these traumas and pain. I wish I could be their hero.

Fucked up population.

Each week that I go to therapy I realize more and more that every single issue and problem that I have has to do with my mom. How she fucked up so badly on parenting me. It's very difficult to just "get over it" since it's literal trauma to my brain. My brain is fucking damaged because of her.
Apparently, I don't have "boundaries" that separate me from other people - in the sense that their behaviors effect me so deeply as if they were my own behaviors. At least that's what my therapist has said. I feel that she is right because I get so riled up and so hurt and upset by other's actions. She told me that I have to grieve that I can't change other people.
I apparently feel so strongly about other's behaviors due to the trauma from my mom. What it comes down to is that I don't want other people to feel the ways that I do. I don't want them to have to heal from their parents fucking them up. I don't want them to feel or to be damaged. And thinking about other people hurting their children or others in a way that harms them makes me very angry and feeling overwhelmed.
When I start to feel angry, overwhelmed, and frustrated I think to myself that I hate being part of this specie, I hate being human, I just feel so disappointed in society. It sort of makes me hate myself simply for being "one of them". That's where the lack of boundaries is. Logically, they are not me and I "shouldn't" feel any sort of negative way about myself because of them, but I feel like I just can't help it. I feel like it's something I don't really choose to feel but I just do.
I don't know how to heal from this. I don't know how to just accept other people. I don't even know if I would want to because I feel that if I were to that I truly would become a monster. Monsters are people that look the other way and allow injustice and harm to happen without doing anything about it. I wish I could somehow be a hero that could help prevent bad things from happening, so that I could help people, so that I could be a part of the greater good. I just wish that humans weren't so fucked up, but the large majority are, and that hurts. It's a fucked up population.

I'm not a perfect parent but I am proud of the parent I am.

For the first time ever in my 8 years of parenting I felt like I wanted to hit my 2.5 year old.

 BARE WITH ME HERE.

He woke up and asked for water. I got him water. He wanted me to pour it in the cap - I explained we couldn't do that because it was too small. He got angry and threw the cap on the floor. I tried to offer the water and he screamed and pushed it away so I put it down, before I could say anything he got up and kicked the water bottle over (there wasn't enough in it to spill thankfully). I gently asked for him to pick the water bottle up and hand it back to me.

He grabbed his toy hammer - made a super angry face and then chucked the hammer at me, hitting me. It REALLY hurt! (I was already previously angry due to a struggling relationship with my best friend, we were having a heated type discussion online right before so I know that's what triggered me to get even more upset) I saw red. I took in a deep breath as I felt every fiber of my being to just want to hit him back (which I would NEVER ever do.)
I shouted at him, "OW!!! That really hurt! You threw that at me and it hit me! That REALLY hurt!!". He stood there and started crying. Directly after that I reached out to a gf of mine online quickly and explained the situation to her to gain some control over myself and insight. (it only took a minute or two).

He then came up and sat in my lap and wanted to breastfeed. I told him "No, this is my body and I don't want to nurse right now. I feel hurt." He continued crying. I told him, "My arm hurts. You threw that at me and it hurt me." He cried more.

I then remembered this meme,

Once that thought was triggered I felt bad and I asked for a hug. Noel laid into my chest and hugged me and I held him back.
I then said, "I think we both should do some breathing together." (I taught him deep breathing a few months ago) So we did breathing together. He doesn't know how to breathe in too well yet but he makes the whoosh sound as he breathes out which does help him slow his breathing. Once we both calmed down, I said,
"I'm really sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn't have yelled. I was hurt and I'm sorry."
he then replied, "I'm sorry".
 I said, "thank you for apologizing too. I love you."
He then nursed and laid down next to and went back to sleep.



 I didn't handle it perfectly, I am not a perfect parent or a perfect person, but I am proud of our result that we made together.

I feel worthless

Idk what is going on with me today. I am feeling sad and depressed. I feel like crying. I feel like I don't have any hope, that things won't get better, that my life won't improve, and that in turn my children will suffer. I feel worthless and pathetic and angry at who I am - useless and broken. The only reason I am not working and don't want to go back to work is because it mentally and emotionally destroys me. If I was a "normal" person it wouldn't. But I'm not normal... I'm damaged and broken beyond repair. I can't handle the stress and the separation from my family. It literally tears me apart and I am so afraid of having to go back to that again.
At first I was feeling really depressed but then I started wishing I could just get wasted drunk or high so that I could just stop caring about emotions for a little while. I understand why the generation before mine was all fucked up and they turned to alcohol and drugs to handle their pain and stress. I want to be stronger and more willful than they were. And I believe I will be. But at the same time, it sucks. Life sucks. I'm honestly starting to believe that Earth is Hell.
The things I want in life feel out of reach and I don't feel that I want too much. I just want to feel financially secure and have my family - grow my family and share love and health. I want to be able to take my kids out on trips to the park, the zoo, restaurants, museums, and the like... I want to be able to explore and find thrill in little experiences. I want to feel successful as a human being.
I feel like I can't be who I want to be for my husband, for my children, for friends, or for anyone. I feel like I should be a lot more; better for others. I should be able to help support my family alongside my husband, I should be able to play and entertain my children, and I should be able to have friends without feeling judgmental sometimes and not know what to say or do to help their situations. Yet, I can't do anything. I'm pathetic and I lay around all day and stay up all night watching Netflix. I'm terrible at this thing called "living".

Some jealousy

Not much to report. I'm wide awake at 2am making pizza... Noel woke me up at 12midnight and now he's hungry... I am too so I don't mind.
I'm talking to Tom again... he's my best friend and I don't think I ever truly could cut him out of my life. He's one of the only people that is there for me and actually cares for me and understands me. I would be stupid to not have him in my life. But I'm still upset about this girl he's talking to. I paused for a moment after writing girl - I thought about how she is older than me and replacing girl with woman, but then I thought about her maturity level and thought that I better not. I'm kind of upset that he is still talking to her and I'm sure part of it is jealousy but another part is I feel like he's choosing her over me. He's still talking to her after she told him she doesn't want him talking to me. I mean he is putting in the effort to still talk to me and be there for me so maybe I shouldn't feel so upset but I do... Blah.
It shouldn't really matter I guess because he's been showing me that she's not replacing me by making time for me and playing games online with me. Well, actually yesterday, he was playing a game online with me while he was on skype with me as well and he muted me and talked on the phone with her the entire time we were on skype together and that kind of really truly bothered me but I felt like it wasn't my place to tell him I didn't want him to since I know he has limited time before having to go to work and I'm lucky he's even making time for me at all. :/
Tomorrow is more state primaries for the upcoming election. I am hoping that Bernie wins each state and pull ahead of Hillary. That he wins this election and becomes our next president. We truly need him.. he's our only hope for America at this moment. Tomorrow California votes and they have one of the biggest delegate counts so we really need Bernie to win Cali. I'm nervous about the shit they (they being whoever it is that is causing voter suppression and such) might try to pull tomorrow. I'm pulling for Bernie though, it's not over until it's over.

Feeling somewhat better

Usually my head doesn't stop racing multiple thought trains, I feel depressed, defeated, anxious, and I just want to complain about everything all the time - but lately, I haven't.
Since I've quit work I've been feeling so much more calm. I haven't been yelling at my children - actually, we've been connecting a lot more. Lailah and I have been cuddling and talking often about deep subjects and Noel and I have been playing with his toys more often. I'm still not where I want to be - I still struggle with my internet addiction but I am working on it.
I'm excited for summer to be approaching because we will be able to spend time at the park or beaches etc. I will be able to spend more time with my children outside of the house making memories and bonding with them as people.
I don't feel as foggy and emotionally constipated as I have in the past... and that feels so refreshing.
Although, now that I don't feel like I'm suffering from my own problems I feel like I'm focusing too much on all the other terrible things in the world and I hate that there is SO much that I can not change. It feels awful. :/

One day in a nutshell

I had therapy today and my therapist helped me realize why I struggle so much with Lailah.
I was venting to her about how it feels like I can never make Lailah happy, how it seems like no matter what I do it's never enough or good enough for her, and how she expects so much out of me and idk how to please her expectations. I feel like I can't be the mom she needs me to be.
Ericka asked me about my mom and asked me what my mom was like when I was a child and I started ranting about my mom and I basically started saying the exact same things. The my mom always had high expectations of me that I felt I could never meet or please, that I was never enough or good enough for her, that no matter what I did I couldn't make her happy. I couldn't be the child she wanted me to be.
It clicked that my reaction towards Lailah has nothing to do with Lailah - she's being a normal 8 year old. I'm being triggered by my own emotions - a trauma response. My brain suddenly jumps to what I was always taught by my mom - "You're not good enough." "You can't make others happy." etc.
Ericka tells me that it's not my job to make others happy yet I still seem to feel like it is.
I WANT to make others happy and I feel extreme disappointment when I feel like I can't - ESPECIALLY when it comes to my children. I want to feel like enough to them. I want to feel like I am a great mom for them. I often do feel like a good mom... but not the great mom I want to be for them.
I know that it's going to take a lot of work within myself to "fix" this, to feel better about myself, and to not get so triggered so easily and suddenly jump to the thoughts of : "I must not be good enough." etc.
Ericka is going to help me. I really like her as my therapist. She actually helps me realize where my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors stem from and then helps give me ideas so I can work on changing my thoughts and behaviors. She pretty much the first therapist I've had that is intelligent and thoughtful. I like her a lot. She never makes me feel bad or like I'm a problem. She often tells me that things aren't my fault and that I'm doing my best. I like hearing that.

Yesterday I unblocked Tom and I told him I was still angry at him and mad but that I still wanted to talk to him and not throw a 6 year friendship away. I don't want to lose my best friend but I'm still angry at him. I still feel very disappointed and let down by him. He said he understands and that he is going to reflect on a lot of things in our friendship. He went to bed soon after since he had to work all day today. He's still at work but said I can message him and he can get back to me when he has the time to... I don't care, I know he's busy. I don't need his attention. Idk if we will continue being friends or decide it's not the best idea. But we DO need to talk about everything and come to a mutual conclusion. I want it to be decided on together what is best for us and our future whether it be together as friends or apart.

I feel frustrated by Justin today because I told him multiple times that he HAD to call different sponsoring companies and ask if they have a spot open to sponsor an apprentice so that he can find one and then contact the Dept. of L&T. He told me he would after he picked Lailah up from school. I went to therapy, came home and painted with Lailah, ate dinner, and then cleaned the pantry and kitchen. I asked him if he made the phone calls and he told me no. -.- I asked him why and he told me because he was busy with the kids. That sort of really irks me because I get busy with the kids as I am their mom and yet I STILL have to get things done! I still have to fulfill my priorities. The kids are important - very important, but soooo important that we MUST have other priorities that come alongside them so that we can take care of them! Like grocery shopping, laundry, jobs, finances, doctor appointments, getting adequate sleep, cleaning the house, etc. You know??? I even told him all of this not long before coming to journal. He says he understands but I don't feel he truly does because it doesn't seem like he sets up his priorities straight. It feels so frustrating to me because I feel like I constantly have to sort of hold his hand and lead him through everything he should do. I don't want to be acting like a mother to him, I want to be his wife... I want him to be an adult and do the things he knows he has to do, just as I do.

Well, there's my day and thoughts in a nutshell... I think I'm gonna go watch an episode of Grey's anatomy and then get to sleep with Noel. Hopefully he sleeps all night and doesn't wake up as he did last night at midnight and wouldn't go back to sleep until 4am. Goodnight. zzzzz

Nice Zoo trip today

Justin, Noel, and I went to the zoo today with my friend Rebecka - (a different one lol there's Rebecka and Rebecca haha. Rebecka lives in my state and Rebecca lives in Texas and she's the one I talk to on Skype).
Rebecka brought her boyfriend and her 10 month old son. It was a lot of fun, I really enjoyed the trip. Noel had a blast too. It was super super warm outside too which made it lovely - a little sweaty but lovely nonetheless.
After we got home I passed out, woke up and ate a little bit then took another nap as Justin watched Noel for me and played with him.
I had a nightmare though that we were homeless with the kids and I was pregnant. We found a group of other homeless people and we stayed together but we were on the run so that we wouldn't have our children taken from us. We even had to steal food to get by. It was heartbreaking. At the end it was just Justin and I and the kids because the rest were killed on the way or lost. :( I know it's just my fear coming through my dreams.
Justin is going to call companies hopefully on Tuesday (Monday is a holiday) to try to find a company that is accepting apprentices. Hopefully he can get into a company. We really need him to for our family.
Not much else going on as of right now. It's midnight, Noel is sitting on my lap watching cartoons on Youtube Kids, Justin is on his phone, and I'm thinking about jumping in the shower. Then I think I'll watch Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.

I don't want to keep being hurt.

I hate quite the convo with Tom today. Very possibly the last convo ever.
I pretty much told him that he hurts me all the time and that I can't take it anymore. That I can't trust him at all anymore. And that all I feel from his is disrespect.
I think he felt hurt. But he's told me that he doesn't have emotional dependence in friendships and that he only stays friends with me because he wants me in his life. If he didn't have any emotional dependence than he wouldn't feel hurt is how I see it.
I pretty much broke up with my best friend of 6 years.
I told him he should go care about himself and forget about me. I said that I feel our friendship gets in the way of what he wants in life. He didn't understand because he's not thinking about the future and I am. I am thinking about in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years from now when he decides he wants to just go live in isolation and just disappears on me. And he feels that that shouldn't bother me because I shouldn't have an emotional dependence on him, but I do. I'm only human.
What's different about him leaving my life now rather than later? Well, the fact that it's on my own terms so I'm better prepared to handle it rather than randomly and suddenly when I can't handle it.
Plus right now I have Rebecca which seems to make it feel easier to let Tom go. I have a support, you know? Someone to turn to and confide it. Someone who is there for me and listens to me. I used to turn to Tom but he just doesn't seem to really be there for me at all anymore.
He seems to want this friendship where there are no ties.... nothing emotional, nothing physical, and nothing human.... I guess. But I am human. I can't just have someone in my life and interact with them often and not feel anything toward them. I can't just be disconnected... I can't just have someone in my life for whenever.
Part of me feels like I really am done here. I'm done with the hurt and the pain and being here for whenever is convenient for him.  And yet the other part of me feels like I will miss him a lot and I want him to learn something from this and care about me, fight for me or something. Idk.
I feel a large range of emotions... angry, upset, hurt, grief, pain, sadness, frustration, aggravation... etc.
Idk anymore. I just feel like I can't hurt anymore.