What is driving me?

So, the holidays came and went. Christmas actually went well this year and I felt "happy". It was short lived, but I felt it nonetheless. I have so much going on within myself. I feel like I still just don't know about anything ever.
I feel like my relationship with Justin is on the rocks. I can't help but to feel so annoyed with him the majority of the time. He seems to always think about and put himself first and it's starting to get to me. He's a great guy in general, don't get me wrong. He is an amazing father, he's caring, understanding, and compassionate. He really is great. But this is something I just can't keep ignoring. He's lost my wallet at a store and I'm lucky it wasn't stolen. He's put a coat full of oil in our laundry and ruined shirts of mine and clothes of the kids. I cold go on and on. And sure, these seem like small problems - that is until they happen ALL THE TIME. Then they drive me fucking nuts.
Tom and I - I don't even know. Since a while back where he cut off contact for me for about a month things have never been the same. We talked the other day though and hopefully will continue communication to keep our friendship healthy. Although, I really doubt we will be moving to where he or or him move here. I just feel that it will never actually happen, even though he keeps telling me it will. I've stopped hoping for it and I will just have to accept that he will always just be on "online friend". Which I hate. But, whatever.
Let's rewind to last Friday when Justin got a call from UPS where he got a seasonal job at this year - they told him to meet the driver he had been working with at the same time and location he always did to pick up his check. Except the driver never showed. We were there for a half hour and nothing. Now fast forward to today and UPS hasn't called him at all and they haven't answered or responded back to his calls to receive his check - OH and the fact apparently he's already been laid off after telling him he would be working well into January. Awesome. -.-
Now he's jobless - but for the very first time he actually was ontop of his situation without me hoarding ontop of him telling him what to do and he got himself an interview for Monday at Olive Garden - so we will see where he/we stand/s then.
I feel so stressed out and sad nearly all the time. And I would go back to work if I felt I could trust anyone with Noel but I truly feel I can't. Especially since he's currently hitting and headbutting - I can just imagine daycare providers locking him into highchairs and making him sit there all day long like my mother does to kids she deems "bad". Hitting and headbutting are not "good" behaviors. But it's the growth period he is in right now. All children hit and use their bodies to display their emotions - it's completely normal and they just need redirection - not punishment. I would rather be in poverty than to risk his mental, emotional, and psychological health.

As for me: I'm just trying not to commit suicide and say "Fuck all of this".
I've been trying my hardest to imagine what those actions of mine would do to the kids. If I am afraid to even leave them with a daycare for a short period of time - what would a fostercare or fosterfamily do to him potentially? Maybe if I knew mostly good stories from fostercare or about fosterfamilies - but I don't. All the ones I know are shitty ones. People fucking suck.

I've thought hard about what to do and I'm just hoping that Justin is able to get a job in which we could at least rent a house or a bottom floor where a landlord would let me open a home daycare. If we could do that I feel we would then be able to own our own home one day and save money for our children and live a decent life. It's a hope and it's the only thing driving me forward right now.

Life wasn't made for people like me.

I don't know what to do. I feel like this is always what I have to say - I have no fucking clue what to do or where to go or how to get by in life.
How do we even remotely try to rent a place or buy our own home without a good income and how do we get a good income to be able to do that?!
I apparently can't go to school.... so out goes the possibility of a decent income for me.
Justin may be able to get a job with my dads friend John as an apprentice plasterer at the beginning of next year but that is still up in the air and it would start at around 10$ hr my dad said but that's still not enough to really live off of.
If only we could get a home then I could potentially open up a home daycare and then we would have things taken care of. But how can we do that without having an income first?
I feel like I'm drowning under water and that we will never be able to get on our feet.

I would work at the webcam modeling like I had started but I have "no one" to watch Noel. And I put it like that because technically I have my mom but I don't trust her anymore. I had brought Noel over there and she left him for an hour; in the highchair; in the kitchen, alone, to cry until he fell asleep. No way. I would rather be in poverty than to put my sons psychological health in harms way. My friend Sara offered to watch him for me but then I attempted to work and she was calling and messaging me not even an hour later asking me to go get him because he was crying and wouldn't stop. So that isn't even a possibility.
Justin is currently working for UPS but it's only a temp seasonal position.

Idk, I feel like giving up most days. I feel like life is impossible. I'm poor and broke - life wasn't made for people like me. I can't even sell crochet stuff without jumping through hoops to get licensed and everything.. you need to be able to spend money to attempt to make any money.. how do you do that if you don't have money to begin with?

Extremely depressed.

I haven't written in a while.
I've been so extremely stressed out lately and also pretty depressed. I feel like I'm suffocating nearly all the time. I can't get enough air in my lungs to even function... to even WANT to function.
I started the webcam job - I made a bit over $300 my first 2 weeks of working which was about 12 hours of work. Which wasn't even much "work" at all. I want to continue this job but I have nobody to care for Noel as I do. I at first was taking him to my moms but I don't trust her with him anymore. The last time I brought him over there and picked him up she told me she wouldn't let him play in the dog water so she locked him in the highchair and let him cry in the kitchen alone until he fell asleep. Clearly, I don't feel this is acceptable - nobody should. So, now I don't have anyone.
I also attempted my 'friend' Sara but as soon as Noel started crying she asked me to go pick him up. So I had to ditch my room which had about 10 tippers in it. :( I could have potentially made SO much money that day.
Justin recently started working at night with UPS but it's only a seasonal job. So.. temporarily he has a job but I don't think it will pay all of our bills.
We're so poor our cell phones have been shut off for the past month or so.

I also am not going to school because of the whole financial aid issue. Apparently, I can't be covered for the full years that I need to attend to get licensed as a professional. So, that idea flew right out the window.

My next idea is possibly opening a home daycare... no idea how that would go though. But my thought is that if my mother could do it I certainly can..

I want to move too. Move out of RI - even if it's just for a while. I REALLY want to move closer to Bennett but I don't think his parents would like that at all... I would probably ask before ever moving closer to him... well meaning - his state. I also want to be closer to Tom... he's my best friend and I feel like I could really use him around me. Use meaning being around him could help me emotionally and mentally.

I've been feeling so unstable lately. So many suicide idealizations. I just feel like giving up a lot lately. I think about it all the time. I think about how I would go about it all to get to the point where I could kill myself. If I were to take away all the things that give me reason to live it would be easy to also rid of myself. If I left Justin, if I found better suited homes to care for the kids, if I broke off my friendship with Tom - then I would be able to go quite easily. And some days I feel so tempted to start this plan because I feel things will never get better. Things will never change.

I can't care for my kids. I brought them here selfishly and I can't even care for them. I can't even take care of myself. We don't have a home, we don't have a lot of stuff. I can't even function the way I want to on most days. I'm so stressed out and depressed that I don't even want to be a mom anymore half the time. I just want to give up. I seriously don't know how much more of this I can handle.
I want to have hope - I want to believe that things can get better. But I have no reason to believe that.

Small update on life.

Things have been rough lately. I've been in and out of depression. I keep trying my hardest to not allow myself to fall into that pit of despair but it happens anyway. I want to be strong but some days I just don't know how. The feelings overwhelm me and I just don't know what to do. How can I release the emotion and pain in a healthy way before I blow up and can't handle it anymore?
Right now the biggest issue is that we are struggling so bad financially. Justin has been applying to different jobs - he has an interview on Monday at a call center type job, I hope it pays well and I hope he gets hired... that would help us out tremendously.
So, I've run into an issue with school. Apparently, financial aid won't cover the full years of schooling that is required in order for me to get a job after graduating. I NEED my masters in the field of Psychology... but financial aid will only cover MAYBE up to my bachelors. I looked at other career options at the school but the only one I'm even remotely interested in is Criminal Justice which I'm completely unsure if I want to do that at all. Also, I was told that financial aid will only cover night classes.. if I take night classes then I will just about never see Lailah and I don't believe I can handle that.
I think I should just do like my dad said and get a full time job along with Justin and just get our own apartment - maybe Tom will move here to move in with us and that could help us out. Who knows..
Idk anymore... I just don't know.

Broken head

I feel myself sinking into a pretty deep depression today. Our bank is -140 in the negatives. Justin was supposed to get paid today but for whatever reason his pay was never direct deposited. We can't afford to live.
I don't know what to do anymore.

I just had a complete breakdown. It crept up on me an attacked. I tried so hard to keep it away - to ignore it. But I couldn't. Noel was crying and I ignored him - that's how great of a mom I am.
I went into the other room away from the kids - Justin called me. I shouted at him about how things aren't going to change, thinks aren't going to get better, and then I hung up. I then couldn't control myself anymore and I grabbed the guitar sitting on the bed in the other room and I slammed my head into it a few times. I felt a calm rush over me as I felt the frustration leaving me through the top of my forehead. I placed my hands on my head and just stood there waiting for all of it to rush out when I realized my hands were wet - blood. I then went into the bathroom to clean it up but I didn't know what to do for the gash across my head - I called Sherry in to help me and she got the bleeding to stop.

I can't do this anymore. Everyday I think more and more about having some couple adopt Noel and have Lailah's dad or her Memere take custody of her.

I can't handle life anymore. I don't want to.

The world sucks.

You know how they say, "The whole world isn't out to get you." and "Not everyone is against you."
Sure, I guess you could say those are "true" in a sense. But I don't see many on my side or helping me either. My dad "helps" me by giving us a place to live - which he feels obligated to do since he's my father. And Justin seems to be the only one really "on" my side at all.
No matter where I look or turn - there's people or things in my way, out to get me, and against me. Life isn't just a stroll through the park. There are people and things attacking me in multiple directions. It's exhausting.
Seriously, it's everything.
Money is a huge one - obviously. The people who insult and attack anyone who needs government help. The negative things said to those who need the help. Like me. The way people look down on the "poor". And obviously after people the fact that things stand in our way. We can't afford a roof over our heads. We can't afford clothes on our backs. We can't afford the things we need in order to get a good paying job. We can't afford the schooling for education. All these things and people against us and "out to get" us. In the sense that they insult, attack, and have no support or even understanding.
Then there's body image. You have to look the part to be taken serious at all in life. And beyond popular belief being "overweight" or "too big" are not the only ones to be discriminated against, shamed, or humiliated. For me, I am "too small", "too thin", "too tiny". I am told to eat a cheeseburger, to stuff my face, to put meat on my bones. I am told I am disgusting, I'm frail, I'm weak, and that I must have some eating disorder.
My whole life growing up I was "skin and bones". Once I became a teen I was made fun of for my chest. I had "bee stings" and "ant bites" for breasts. My mom specifically used to say those to me.

I just hate all of it. I hate that nobody stands together. Nobody is supportive or kind. When you really think about it - the whole world really is against one another and they really are out to get one another. Sure, not targeted towards one specific person - the whole word doesn't know just ONE person. But it still feels the same way.

I hate her

I have a love hate relationship with my mom. I love her because she's my mom and honestly I probably know her more than anybody. But I hate her in moments who she is - who she continues being. I feel like she came a long way, fixing up ways she was parenting and didn't want to also do. But at some point she just stopped growing - stopped trying. She just gave up and accepted herself as she is. Must be a sad place to be.

I want to keep growing. I want to always be growing in some way. I want to be someone my kids can look up to and learn from just by observing.
I wonder if my mom has always been who she is now. Because if so, she was pretty good at hiding it all.
I remember of my mom her just not really being there - around me. When she was she didn't want me around - I annoyed her. I know it was her - not me. Which is what I want to work on fixing in my relationship with Lailah.
She went out to clubs all the time with my dad or she worked. When she was home I played with Moe or alone.
Sometimes I miss my mom and I feel she will never be there for me.
Sometimes she is there for me though - I started this thought and realized - no, not even then really. I came to the realization she's only really ever been there for me while I was in labor with the kids. She didn't really care about ME at all, it was them. That makes me feel sad.
I feel as if I've never mattered to her.
We will never have a healthy real relationship because she's just incapable. She's broken and she can't be fixed unless she admits it.

Why is that?

So much.... so much....
Earlier I was thinking about posting because I have been so stressed lately, so overwhelmed. I knew I had a lot on my mind that I had to get out on here, where my fingers meet the keyboard.
I had so much to vent about - money, Justin's job, fears, and thoughts. So much that has been too much on me the last few months. And then something came along to blow all of that out of the water - pretty much temporarily hitting me so hard that I've become stunned/numbed - about all those things I needed to vent about before. Now, it feels as if nothing matters, although; I know that's just my grief speaking.
I sent Liz a text today to get my update and some pictures - I got a lot more than I bargained for.
Flashback to my past. To my very first phone call with Liz and Nate. I remember listening to Liz cry. She was crying because she wanted a baby for a "very long" time. She was very very sad because they were told that they wouldn't be able to conceive. Not after her cancer treatments (from what I remember she told me). Crying, begging me to please choose them as the family I would give my son to. Please make her dream of becoming a mother true. Please help bring her out of the darkness which consumed her - her darkness about not being a mother and never being able to have a child.
Well, flash forward to today...

LOL JUST KIDDING !

I feel lied to, betrayed, misled, concerned about Bennett and jealous. 

Why to I feel these things? They TOLD ME they couldn't have ANY kids.

Twins. Fucking twins. Are you kidding me?! 

A huge reason why I chose them was because I wanted Bennett to be a single child. I feared him growing up in a household where he's the "adopted" one. I fear him being told he's not their "real" child. I fear him feeling like an outcast. I fear him feeling like they will love their REAL kids more. Or even treating him differently once their REAL children are born and casting him aside to feel abandoned, excluded, and like an outcast. 

I did this to him - forced this upon his life. I really hope he's happy one day and forgives me. 

And jealous because I always imagined my life as Liz's life. I imagined having these amazing parents - but turned out they weren't. I imagined my parents helping me with college and being supportive - turns out they never would do those things. I imagined getting married and having this beautiful wedding and traveling the world. I imagined having twins one day. Growing up I always carried twin dolls around - like they would one day be my destiny and I was practicing. Everything I DREAMED for my life - she has. She had this absolute perfect life that I always wished would be mine. But it's not and it never will be. Not only does she have the life I dreamed - she has my son. And she calls him HERS. 

A part of me is yelling at me right now - my higher self. We want to be a better mother - but I feel so broken, I feel so much pain and hurt. I think I have to heal before I can be the mother I want to be. Because of my own issues I'm so on edge all the time and I get agitated and frustrated - and it's all because of this anxiety, sadness, and stress. My higher self just sort of shamed me. She said to me, "If you had spent half your time focusing on healing what you need to to be a better mother for Lailah and Noel as you have to heal from losing Bennett then maybe you'd be the mother you'd have been wanting to be. But your attention is in the wrong place at the wrong time." 

She has a point I guess. I know I need to focus on Lailah and Noel more and I am trying so hard. I need to just accept that Bennett is theirs and move forward. Not move ON but move forward. 

Life always wants to crush me, have you wondered like I have? "Why is that?"

Self discovery of pain

I haven't been liking the way I've been parenting these past couple weeks. I was realizing I was very stressed out, sad, and impatient. I don't know what was wrong with me. I just know that I was having a hard time caring for the kids the way I want to. Especially Lailah. She's just being her age - a little 6 yr old child and I would feel so upset at her. But that wasn't HER fault - it was MY struggle, something I need to deal with so that I can be better for her.
So, I've started smoking bud again. It has seemed to give me a lot of insight into why I parent the way I do. It's also brought up some not so great "memories" from my past - at least I think that's what it is. I was thinking about it after smoking last night. I was wondering to myself why I don't have a closer relationship - to Lailah specifically. I am still very close to Noel - although I still can't fully commit myself to either of them. I've realized that it scares me. Thinking about having a tighter, closer relationship to them brought out anxiety and fear in me. So I searched deeper, trying to figure out where my fear comes from. And I bumped into memories that I don't think I really want to know about. They're so far back - I had to have been 3 or under. I kept feeling that someone must have sexually harmed me around those ages. I fear getting close to my own children because I think what happened was an adult got "too close" to me and because they did - they hurt me sexually. I feel as if I trusted this person and they got away with it because I didn't know it was wrong.
Why do I think this might be the case? Well, I've realized that I struggle with hugging/holding/touching/cleaning my children. It's uncomfortable for me and frankly - it scares me. I guess I fear making them uncomfortable or harming them on accident because that's what I felt when it was done to me as a young child.
I would NEVER hurt my children, ever. They are my entire world.
But now I have these feelings that I feel I need to and want to work through so that they don't interfere with my parenting and who I want to be. I don't want to be afraid to cuddle with my children once they're out of the baby stage. I don't want to feel scared hugging or holding my child or being vulnerable to them emotion wise.
I feel I could parent better if I were more on their levels with them, played with them, did fun activities with them, and got off the computer and away from talking to people I don't even know. But that scares me. It scares me and it's uncomfortable. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I hate it. :(
I need to work through this but right now I just don't know how. How do you work through memories that suggest you were sexually harmed as a child? How do you work through feeling there was that breech of trust between someone who was never supposed to hurt you? I don't know.
The only OTHER explanation I could come up with was that my mother was sexually harmed as a child and she has these fears and insecurities and that's why she was never very hands on at all to my siblings or I growing up and it rubbed off on me. I could read her, feel her pain, and understand it - but now I feel it too. Then again this could be just me trying to ignore the pain done to me and push it elsewhere, I don't know. What I do know is that I need help sorting this all out.

I feel trapped today. Stuck in emotions that I don't know how to handle or what to do with. I guess the good news is that they aren't very overwhelming and I hope they don't get to that point. I feel like I need to talk to someone, be reassured in some way, or maybe validated. I don't know. (Yes, I realize I keep saying I don't know and I really hate that I don't). Maybe just someone to tell me it's okay and I will heal and be okay.
Part of me feels pathetic because I can't actually remember memories - just emotions and feelings. What if this sexual abuse never happened to me or my mother or whatever and something is just wrong with me. Why do I feel so insecure and scared being close to my kids then? Then where could it stem from? I need to know so that I can heal, I can fix it, and we can move forward. It's hard being the mom I want to be for them when I have all these overwhelming emotions that hit me hard as well. I have my own struggles to work through yet here I am with two littles lives that depend on me.
It's really scary being a mom. I mean - most of us can't even care for ourselves - I mean that in every possibly way too. I don't think anyone is soundly mentally stable 100% and can control their emotional reactions no matter what they're feeling. I don't think anyone is 100% psychologically undamaged. And then for some of us we aren't financially stable or physically stable. But here we are caring for these tiny new humans and trying to help them be all these things we aren't. How can we do that if we don't even know how to do it for ourselves?
My goal is to fix and help myself so that I know what to prevent happening to my children and how to help them through their difficult times and emotions. It's a real struggle though.

I want sanity

I am overwhelmed. I am so completely overwhelmed. I feel like crying and I wish I could just have some time to myself. I feel like I'm at my edge.
Today I got into a "fight" with Lailah. I asked her to please help me with her brother and she threw a fit and then I got upset she was throwing a fit and it escalated and I yelled at her and I made her sit on her bed alone. Then when we were both calmed down I talked to her one on one. We worked it all out and I tried explaining to her that I react the way I do due to my past and that it's not her. I apologized and explained that it's NOT okay that I yell at her and get upset and that I will work on new ways to communicate with her as long as she is willing to work with me and listen to me.

I've been thinking of smoking again. I want to so bad. I don't know though. I don't know if it would help me. I don't know if it would be the same as it was before. I am hesitant mostly because I'm still nursing Noel. But I've read and heard that cannaboids are naturally produced in breastmilk and that THC does not pass through breastmilk.

I just hate how I've been recently and I need help. I need help to feel like myself again. I want to feel sane again.

Can't handle this.

In a facebook group I'm in someone asked me if I would have had an abortion with Bennett if I knew everything I know now.
This was my response:

I'm pro-CHOICE and I'm so very pro-choice because of what I've gone through. I feel EVERYONE should have the right to choose what is best for them and to do what they feel THEY can mentally, emotionally, and psychologically handle.

Without guilt or pressure from others. I can't undo the past and if I went back in time I don't know what I would have done. It's a lot trickier than saying I would have aborted. On one side there's a part of me that says, "Yes, absolutely. I would have aborted if I had the money to do so and the opportunity." I believe if there's a heaven and a God then he would accept all aborted babies to heaven - so my child would not suffer. I feel that for ME personally, aborting would hurt far less than a full pregnancy, labor, birth, and holding my living breathing son afterwards and then up and leaving him behind. It would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache and also saved my now 6 yr old from the pain, confusion, anger, and nerves she feels towards her brother being adopted. But I don't know where life would have led me then. Potentially I would have still met my ex bf Mark and maybe if I hadn't remained pregnant and given my son up for adoption we would have worked out and maybe I'd have been happy with him. But the adoption had a huge toll on our relationship and we broke it off shortly before my sons first birthday. I don't know what would have happened but sometimes I feel maybe I'd be in a better place psychologically, mentally, and emotionally.

But at the same time a part of me is like, "No, I wouldn't have aborted him at all." Because by falling into my grief I met the most amazing man I have ever known. He saved me when I was in the bottom of my grief. He now protects me, loves me, cares for me - every single day and he's loved me more than anyone I have ever known. And without meeting him I wouldn't have my son Noel. I can't regret the life I live in this moment or else I feel I would be severely depressed and suicidal. I have to love these people - my fiance, my children, and the people I've met as an outcome of the adoption because they make me live and appreciate my life.

So, I really can't say. I haven't a clue.


Today I am massively on edge. My abdominal muscles are hurting really bad. I don't want to be taking care of the kids right now. I love them so much but I'm just not in the place I want to be mentally or emotionally to care for them at this exact moment. I feel sad today - hurting. I've been feeling it creep up on me for about a week now and I've been pushing it away - ignoring it, trying to not let it suck me in and eat me alive. I don't know how to stop this or to prevent these emotions from overwhelming me. I don't know how to handle this much emotion without snapping, having less patience, and overall just wanting to be LEFT ALONE. I don't want anyone to touch me, I don't want to listen to anyone talk, I don't want to have to care for anyone at all. I want to be able to care for my own mental and emotional health. I want to be able to rest. I want to be able to physically feel better. But I feel like that will never happen. It truly doesn't matter how I feel at all. I seriously feel as if I have no meaning. Raise the kids then die. I just CAN'T HANDLE THIS.

Another hospital trip

So much has happened in such a short amount of time.
Just to finish off the conclusion of my last post :
My dad came in around midnight and apologized. He told me he was sorry if he made me feel bad or anything and he knows times are hard and I'm doing the best I can. He told me he didn't want me to leave or anything and he wants to help with the kids until I can finish school if that's what I feel is best. Justin sent over his resume and he's actively been getting calls from the company in regards to his application and the possible hiring process.
So I had decided to go to school and attempt that route and hope Justin gets this job and that dad will be able to help until Justin can financially afford us and we can get our own place.

Plot twist. I'm back in the hospital. Maybe that's not really a plot twist. I've been in the hospital how many times since Noel's pregnancy alone? Maybe it was to be expected.

Sunday we went to my moms house and we were eating dinner over there. I started to get what I believed at the time to be gas pains so we left and I went home to take a hot shower and see if it would relax the pain. JK, it didn't help. A couple hours later I was in pretty bad pain and could barely walk, so I asked my dad to take my to the ER. He drove me in and I got a catscan while there. On the catscan they found that I had early appendicitis and I had to be prepped for an emergency appendectomy surgery in the morning starting at 8 am. I was so scared.
I ran into a problem while still in the ER before being given a room. They didn't want Justin or Noel staying with me. I broke down and started having panic attacks and I cried so hard. I didn't want to cut into the milk supply I had just pumped for school, I didn't want Noel to scream all night without me, and I didn't want to be at the hospital alone. Those were my concerns about them going home. I was so heartbroken. But they had to leave and they had to use the milk I had pumped. Noel did much better at home with Justin than expected though, so that was good to hear.
Since the surgery my bladder and intestines apparently "went to sleep" and they sort of shut down. They stopped working. Which caused me agonizing pain for a couple days. I was in the worst pain ever. They sent me home the day after my surgery, on Tuesday, but I was right back in the ER Tuesday night by ambulance because my pain was so severe. I was vomiting so badly due to the pain and I was crying, it was just awful.
It's now Friday and I am feeling much better. I was able to take a shower today and I've been walking a bit more. I can't wait to go home. I'm not allowed to eat anything except super soft, mushy, and disgusting food. Ugh. I am starting to hate being here now.

My dad has been here everyday for me but my mom has only visited a couple times. My grandmother stopped by once, my cousin April did, and so did my aunts Linda and Beverly. Oh and my aunt sent pushy bible Christians to shove God down my throat today. -.- I told them my baby had to eat and they had to leave because he was breastfed. But they didn't leave for about a half hour. I was trying so hard not to laugh at the shit they were telling me to believe in.
Scott has been taking Lailah to see me for a couple hours everyday after school. I'm hoping maybe tomorrow I'll get more time with her since it's Saturday tomorrow.
And Justin has been taking work off recently to help with Noel since I can't.

So here I am, back in the hospital, waiting to go home!

Ohhhh and Liz texted me randomly today a picture of Bennett and said, "I hope you have a great day!" Not sure what that was all about but I'll take it.

Drama with dad

Ready for some drama?
So yesterday my dad come in my room telling me to get an application for Justin to apply to Marker Basket. Right now Justin is trying to get this job working at a call center though (a different one than the one he's been calling). He sent in an application and got a call back the next day. Now he's going to fill out another application and set up an interview hopefully. They pay $13 hr and the shift is from 10:30am - 7pm. Which isn't much different than the shift he has now but it pays much better. So, we're hoping he gets this position.
Anywho, my dad was getting angry at me and wouldn't just listen to me that we are working it out. He started shouting at me for like 10 mins straight, if not longer. And he implied that life is difficult and when you have children you have to sacrifice in order to provide for your children and that since Justin can't support us then it's up to me and I should sacrifice college. Basically said Justin is good for nothing and I need to stop relying on him to get a better job and that I am not doing well enough for my kids. He then went on to bitch about his life and how things were so rough for him and how because HE had to do it the way he did it that I should have to as well, the same way. I don't want to do it the same way. I want to go to college and get my degree in 5 years and be able to have a life for my children and I. He also made me feel as if he were saying he wants me out of his apartment.
But he made me feel pretty depressed and I started crying and I cried for like an hour straight. I hated myself and I felt college could no longer be an option. I sort of started panicking.
At first I went to my moms house in attempt to calm down and I vented to my mom and brother about what had happened. I tried to talk to my mom about it and she just basically said my dad was right and I need to grow up and that's just how life is. I felt like I had no support or encouragement for my life or plans at all.
I then was trying to think of other options. What paths were there for me to follow other than Justin working and me going to school?
1. I go to school and work Fri-Sat. But with that option I am in school from 11am-3:30 pm by the time I get home I only see Lailah for 4 hours before she goes to sleep. (which I'm going to be doing anyways). BUT with this option I would be working Fri-Sun so I wouldn't have that time with her. I would have to work all day in order to create an income that I could put together with Justin's and possibly get an apartment.
2. I drop out of college before I even start and I work full time and put my income together with Justin's. But with that option we would be trapped low - income / poor and in an apartment nearly our whole lives.
3. Join the active army.

Those are the only options I can think of at the moment.

My future is in hell.

I'm feeling sad today. Justin still hasn't received a call about that job. I'm going to have him call to check in on the status of his application tomorrow but I've pretty much completely lost hope in it. Since he won't be getting this job I feel sad. Now what? I don't even know anymore. Now he's going to have to apply and call to other jobs and hope to make at least $10 an hour. But even that sounds doubtful. Anything under that amount it not livable though for our 4 person family. Even that amount will barely be scraping by. I don't even know if we could afford our own place on that amount.
I'm starting school in 2 weeks from today. I don't even know if I should feel excited anymore. I'm starting to think I should drop out and get a full time job instead. But then where does that leave us? Sure, we may be able to afford an apartment but we will be trapped there like that for the rest of our lives. Be poor our whole lives. What a great future I have to look forward too.
My life fucking sucks.
When I start feeling how I do right now I feel my kids deserve more and better than me and what I can't provide for them. I feel Lailah would be better off with her dad or his family and Noel is better off with another family or his dad, I don't know. But they're definitely more better off than staying with me. I'm fucking pathetic. I can't even provide a roof over their heads. We've been on food stamps the past couple months because I can't even afford to put food in their bellies. What kind of pathetic mom am I?
I feel like one day all of this will be too much weight for me to bear on my own and I'll kill myself. I'm trying so hard to find some way to make it, some way to make life better for us, some way to become more for them. But I feel it will never happen. One day, I won't be here anymore and finally my children will be free and they'll have access to much more than I could ever give them access to. The weight is getting heavier but I'm still pushing forward. But I know there's a probability that my future consists of "Hell".

Just keeping an update.

It's been about a week since I've last posted. Not too much going on.
Lailah's starting 1st grade tomorrow. I have no idea where time has gone because it does not feel as if I should have a child that's entering 1st grade. I'm happy and excited for her though and I'm hoping she loves it.
Not too much going on with Noel. He's now standing on his own, although, not walking yet. He has 6 teeth. He shakes his head yes and no and seems to understand each of their meanings. He rocks his head to music or singing. He's a really good, happy baby. Although, he did just get over being ill, which was not fun at all! He was not so happy lol he screamed a lot. But he seems to be feeling better now.
We're still waiting on that job Justin may or may not get. He's been calling weekly to see where he stands, he will be calling back again tomorrow to check again. So, nothing to report on that.
I just finished crocheting a poncho and a hat for Noel, dinosaur themed. It's adorable and I'm pretty proud of myself. I love it.
I have Bennett's pirate themed blanket in the closet in a bag halfway done. I want to finish it but at the same time I don't. I feel like it's HIS. And since it's HIS, I don't want to let it go yet. I feel like I'm just not ready. I want him to have it. But I just feel I can't let it go yet. I told Liz that I would probably be sending it for Christmas though. I still haven't even been able to send out his birthday present yet and I feel really guilty about that. I just don't have the money right now to ship. :/ I hate it. I feel guilty and bad.
I'm starting school in 2 weeks. I'm really nervous. I'm hoping I can do really well and get the good grades I want. I'm so afraid of failure. But as I've learned the worst failure is having never tried because then you can't succeed at all. I'm pumping milk for Noel for when I'm in school and so far I have 65 1/2 oz. My goal is 100 oz but I don't think I'm going to hit that. But here's to trying!
Yeah, not much else to note atm.

Goal list

Learn and become fluent in ASL
Learn to speak Spanish
Ride on a hot air balloon
Save $5,000
Save $10,000
Save $20,000
Save $50,000
Save $75,000
Save $100,000
Save $130,000
Save $150,000
Save $175,000
Save $200,000
Save $500,000
Save $1m
Own my own home
Spend time in Australia
Spend time in England
Graduate with my masters degree
Become a psychologist
Get my doctorate degree
Marry the man I love
Buy a nice car
Become a Peace Corps Volunteer for a year or two
Learn how to use a bow with arrows
Support my family
Be at all my children's weddings
Become a foster parent and help at least 2 children

Doubting.

I feel like all people ever want to do is pull me down and stomp on me. They want to hold me back and prevent me from being happy. They just want to destroy any bit of excitement and happiness I can simmer up.

I was thinking about if Justin gets this job. I would really like to save $200-$300 a month. I want to save up money over the next 6 years (which would be finishing school and getting into my career). With that money we would pay for our wedding and get married, honeymoon, and we would buy a house. At least that's my dream.
But I try to talk to my mom, my dad, and a couple friends about potentially buying a house and saving up for a down payment on a house. But I am told that I will NEVER be able to afford a house. That it will always be too expensive for me. I'm told I should never even look into buying a house because it'll never happen. Of course I want to prove them wrong but they really do get to me and I feel discouraged.

I feel like this job offer that Justin may get is going to ruin me if he doesn't get it. It's got my hopes up. We sort of need him to get this job. If he doesn't then we will be trapped at my dads forever. Seriously - probably at least the next 5 years. I guess I'm feeling sort of depressed. If he doesn't get the job what kind of mother would I be to go to school and not get a full time job to get my kids into our own place? I'm having a lot of doubts. What I want for my future doesn't matter. I just need to take care of my kids here and today. And making us and ultimately them stay at my dads, I just don't feel it's what is best for them at all. Justin and I will need to work full time and then hopefully we would be able to care for our family.

I just don't know anymore. So many doubts.

I don't know what's going on with me. All I know is I'm feeling down recently. It's not too bad. I've been a lot worse before. But, I don't know. I feel like things COULD fall into place. But what if they don't? That's the part that worries me.
At the end of the day I guess I just feel that my kids deserve more and better than me. I'm doing my best. I've been doing the best I can with what I have. I intend on continuing this and doing the best I can each and everyday, but sometimes I feel like giving up. Some times things get rough and I feel like I will never be where I want to be. I know giving up will mean I will never get there but some times I feel that giving up would be better than failing. But this is life right? There's not many ways to give up besides suicide. Even if I were to have others take my kids for their own benefit I would still have to move forward, get up everyday, and try. What if one day I found that I could get to where I wanted to be and my kids weren't with me? So, I guess the only true way for me to ever "Give up", would be to leave this place. That will be my last resort.

Engaged to an angel

I fixed things with Justin. He came home - he had one of his friends bring him home. At first I wouldn't talk to him at all but I really upset him when I threw his pillow on the ground. He started yelling which was super out of character for him. It finally triggered me to break my silence.
I was finally able to tell him how I felt, what I was going through, and why I felt the way I did. He then hugged me, loved me, and understood me. And he apologized. He is truly an amazing man.

I oftentimes feel as if I don't deserve him at all. But one thing I know for sure is that he makes me happy and I love him so much. He means a lot to me - so much I couldn't put it into words. He is always there for me, loving me, caring for me, understanding, and just amazing. I don't think I could ask for a better guy than him.

Today I went to Johnson & Wales University to speak with the financial adviser in charge. I finished handing in all the paperwork that they needed in order to prepare my financial aid for this term. I then told her about my struggle to afford books. She said she doesn't usually do anything to help but since I wouldn't be able to attend unless I can afford books she was giving me a small grant to help pay for them. She told me to go in during the first week of school and ask for the voucher and then take it to the bookstore and get the books I need. It's almost like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I can't believe soon I will be a student again. An actual college student studying counseling psychology and aiming for my Masters degree in Psychology Sciences. It's crazy. I am so excited to earn this degree. I'm so happy to be doing this for myself and for my family.

Still no call back for the job Justin applied to. I feel as if I really shouldn't get my hopes up. It was a nice thought for me to imagine though. Him getting the job, finally being able to get our own place, our own apartment. Finally being able to afford our family. Not having to worry about birthdays and holidays for our children. But yeah, let's not get ahead of ourselves, right? It's been a week and he hasn't even gotten a call for an interview.

Not much else going on yet. Hm..

Last night I was upset. I was upset because I wanted to spend some time with Justin. I wanted it to be just him and I. I wanted to cuddle up to him and breathe him in. I kept trying to put Noel in Lailah's bed. Which I've done before and he was fine. But he kept waking up. Then I got upset enough that I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't get to sleep until past 4am. Thankfully Justin understood and he got Lailah ready this morning for her Memere and camp then he took Noel for me for a bit. So I got to sleep a bit more than I would have.  I'm engaged to an angel.

Shouldn't be with him?

I'm struggling.
It all started today. I woke up with Noel and Justin laid there sleeping. I get up and right after I get up he gets up. Then I told him I wanted to get a few things done today. I wanted to clean up the room, vacuum, bring the stuff in my trunk to Salvation Army, and clean and vacuum my car. He didn't say anything.
Around 3:44 he tells me, "I'm going to that work thing today."
I asked, "When are you leaving?"
He responds, "4:20."
Oh.... not even an hour in advance am I alerted to this.

I got mad. He did tell me he had a "dodgeball game" to go to that him and coworkers had planned - he mentioned it slightly some time last week and told me, "Tuesday". No time or anything. Although, today he swore he told me - so maybe I'm just fucking stupid and I forgot.
But he didn't even ask me to go with him, bring him, pick him up, nothing. He just told me he was leaving - not even an hour before leaving.
I got upset and I vented to Tom and Tiffany about it. Then I grabbed the baby and went in the shower. He was banging on the door. I told him, "Your bus arrives in 10 mins, don't you have to go? GO!"
When I got out he had already left. He didn't bother to text me or call me at all.

I started struggling massively. My thoughts attacking me. I could tell Inner Child was with me and she was hurt and upset. She was trying to prove to me that I shouldn't be with him. She kept begging me to come out. She wouldn't shut up.
Now I'm not sure if I should even be in a relationship. Clearly, my response wasn't normal. Maybe I need to be able to better control myself before starting a life with someone else.

I texted him and told him not to come home tonight. I told him that I will see him tomorrow when I get home from the zoo. He then tried to call me over 10 times and I ignored each call.
Part of me just wants to break up and apply for the same job he applied for and not attend school at all. Just depend and rely on myself. Because clearly I have something wrong with me and I can't control my emotions when something like this happens. Which I can only imagine will happen a lot more in my future with him.

I feel like his work friends are far more important than me and our relationship. I feel like if he gets this better paying job from 9-5 that he will miss his friends more than me and schedule more time with them since he won't be working with them.
I feel like he might as well have them in his life and not me.

I'm clearly not stable enough for a long term relationship.

I don't even want to see him right now. Part of me wants him to come home tonight; even though I told him not to. But I feel like I know he won't. He will go home with one of his friends. And then tomorrow I will be even more mad. I can only see this spiraling out of control because I can't stop how I feel.

It's not even that big of a deal, right?? Yet here I am. He deserves much better than this. I shouldn't even be with him at all.

So. Much. Change! (Hoping it's all for the better!)

Oh. My. Goodness.

So much new is starting. So much hopefully positive new.

• I'm on my way to starting school at Johnson & Wales University next month on the 15th. 
• Justin may getting a new job that will be able to financially support our family.
• The court ordered child support for Lailah to be increased by $400 a month.
• Scott is coming home, supposedly, for good next month.

These things will change our lives. School will set me on track to get my Masters degree and get a psychology degree. I will be able to get a good paying job, my education, and live my dream. If Justin gets this job we will be able to get an apartment, care for the kids, afford holidays and birthdays. We will be good. The child support money will help me put Lailah back into gymnastics and let her try all other activities and sports she may be interested in trying, it will also help with her school supplies, and clothing. Scott coming home for good will hopefully influence Lailah's life in a positive and healthy way. She will finally get to know and have a relationship with her dad, again - hopefully. 

I am excited but nervous and hopeful! I am excited and hopeful but at the same time I am SO nervous. What if things don't turn out as well as I'm hoping? What if the higher pay doesn't help out in the long run because it causes more bills to pay? What if Scott isn't the dad Lailah deserves and needs? What if he hurts her feelings? 

I guess I have the right to be nervous and scared a bit. But at the same time I also have the right to be hopeful and excited. All I can do is hope for the best, right?! 

I will.

The kids are sleeping - napping. I'm sitting here and I feel sad. I don't really want to feel at all. I'm trying to ignore these emotions stirring inside of me but they feel so strong. I feel alone. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to or anyone who will just listen and try to understand me.
What am I so sad about? I don't really know. It's probably a mixture of a lot of things. I'm broke. I don't feel like I'm the best mom I could be or should be. I feel like my kids deserve more and better than me. I feel like I miss Bennett and I'm the only one that does.
You know, now that I think about it - how everyone feels about Bennett would be exactly how they would feel about losing me. If I were to die or whatever - it's how they would feel, little to nothing if anything at all.
My entire family acts as if it's never happened. Like I was never pregnant, he was never born, and I never suffered any loss. The only person who sometimes ask about Bennett or questions the adoptions and how I feel is Lailah. She's the only one who seems to care at all. I know she would be the only one to really care if I were to die too. But I believe she would be okay and she would move forward in life and gain a career and a family one day. I don't think it would effect her too much.
I honestly feel so alone and I feel that it's one of the worst feelings to feel. Alone. To feel as if nobody honestly cares about you and your wellbeing. That the only reason you are alive is because you care about your own life but you actually have no meaning at all to anyone else around you.
I have my two little ones and that should help me, that should make me feel better, right? But it doesn't. It doesn't because I feel they deserve more and better than me - just like Bennett. I feel they would move forward and get over their loss of me - just like Bennett. That they would forget me and just not really care - like Bennett. So why am I here?

I'm not giving up just yet though. I will do whatever it takes to be the best I can be for my kids. I brought them here, they didn't ask for this. Sure, they probably deserve better. But I'm here right now and I'm TRYING.
I will go to school. I will get good grades. I will graduate with my Masters degree. I will get a good job as a psychologist. I will own my own home one day. I will be able to give my kids more. I will be able to be the mother I aim to be.

Preparing to go back to school

I finally was able to get into my school portal account. I have a couple holds on my account so I won't be able to start school with those there. I need to bring in my W2 form and also a physical examination form as well as my vaccination record to go along with it. Then I should be good to go in that department. I also think I figured out orientation where I don't need to stay overnight. I'm going to call and make sure just in case. My mom was the one who supposedly scheduled for me so I want to check and be sure first and make sure I don't have to pay for anything. I also need to call about the opening weekend too (from what I've been told but don't really know anything about.).
My next concern is books. They're SO EXPENSIVE. Seriously. Just for 3 books it's about $200 just to RENT the books until November. That's INSANE. I have a couple options lined up on what to do about that and I'm hoping one will work out. One is that I'm going to talk to the financial supervisor woman on next Weds to see what I could do about books financially if anything at all. The next is to use my moms foundation to help me afford them. My mom has a foundation where people and children fundraise so they can afford things like books for college and extra-curricular activities. I'm going to need to know about both for future terms anyways.

My biggest worry and concern is that I will be away from Noel for what seems like SO LONG. About 20 hours - give or take - a week. Which feels like forever to me. I'm so nervous about leaving him. What if he misses me? What if he cries the entire time I'm gone. It will BREAK my heart! So bad. It really would. I'm also scared that my mom will just let him cry because she thinks he needs to get over it and suck it up. But he's only a baby. When school starts he will only be 9 months old. He doesn't understand or know anything about emotion control yet and being ignored could really fuck with his brain developmentally and emotionally long term. :(
I have no one else to trust him with though. My dad is less trustworthy than my mom I feel. And I can't afford to pay anyone to watch him. Seriously, we're barely making it from paycheck to paycheck. Scraping by. Which is a huge reason I am going to school and aiming for my Masters. Because I need this future job. I need to be able to make better money to support my family. At that point I will work full time and Justin will be a SAHD. Oh, and then we will get married. :D
I also don't want to end nursing. It's my bonding time with him. It's what we share together. So, I'm going to start pumping frequently. My goal is to have 100oz of liquid gold in the freezer by September. Classes start Sept. 9th.
I think tomorrow I'm going to try to make some lactation cookies and see how that goes.

Thoughts firing at me

I hate what adoption has done to me.
I hate that one day I feel good and okay. Then the next day it's like I trip and fall and it's a long climb to get back up to where I was before. Not only do I fall but I feel as if I get all scraped up and injured. I have so much healing to do over and over and over again. I'm tired of the flashbacks haunting me. I'm tired of the nightmares attacking me in my most vulnerable state.
I hate that whenever I try to find peace of comfort in the adoption my head doesn't let me. It comes back firing at me.

"It was what was best for him at the time."

"You also had Lailah at the time, it must have been best to give her away to strangers too."

"He deserved better than what I could provide."

"You had Lailah under worse circumstances and Noel under not much better ones - do they also deserve better than what you can provide."

"I love him enough to protect him and give him more."

"So, you didn't love Lailah and Noel as much, is that what you're saying?"

It doesn't stop. It's almost a constant daily internal fight. There's no winning. I lose against myself every time. How can I heal if my internal thoughts keep attacking me?

Feeling alright.

I haven't been too bad recently. I emotionally feel pretty well, I guess. I'm really excited to start school, although, I know it will require a lot of time and hard work.
Last night I had a nightmare. It was an adoption dream. I seemed to be in some parallel universe where I had placed my 2nd son for adoption as well. It was really awful. I guess in this dream my grandmother had adopted my 2nd son who was named Joel. I got to visit him once or twice a year but it really ruined me. In my dream I remember thinking how it was worse to know him and see him only to be ripped away from him time and time again.
I think my unconscious mind is trying to help me through my adoption with Bennett. I think my brain is trying to find ways to help me heal through this pain I feel often. It's trying to make something that is not okay feel okay. I don't think it will accomplish what it's trying to do though.
The only thing my brain seemed to accomplish is to make me even more Pro-choice. I think if I ever found out I was pregnant when I was in a situation where I knew I couldn't care for another baby at all, I would abort. Because I could never lose another baby to adoption. I don't know how women do it multiple times. I am struggling enough as it is just not having one of my children with me, I couldn't imagine what I would be like mentally and emotionally not having two or more of my children with me. It would ruin me, wreck me to pieces in so many ways.
Right now I am not "ruined" I guess, but mentally and emotionally I struggle. I think of Bennett all the time, I miss him. I wonder about what if's. What if he hates me? What if he never wants to know me? Stuff like that. I also tend to beat myself up about it. I rerun it in my head over and over and over and I try to figure out what I could have possibly done to keep him.
In my dream last night I was doing that, I remember. I was beating myself up about not keeping one of them. I was yelling at myself that I should have figured it out. I needed my babies.
I have to continue moving forward though. I have to continue for Lailah, Noel, and Bennett. I have to move forward and be a mom that they could feel proud of and happy to call their mom. I don't know what Bennett will feel or think about me. But I hope one day when we meet that he sees an accomplished women who did what she felt was best for him at the time who was strong enough to push through each day to make something of herself. To take the awful hand she was dealt and work with it, build upon it. I hope he'll forgive me.

In other thoughts of my head:
I can't get onto the student portal for school. I've called the school and so has my mom about it. Apparently they don't have my birth date in the system and therefore I can not log on. I'm going to call back on Monday and possibly even go there to try to fix everything. It's really freaking annoying and honestly a pain. I'm hoping I can figure out what my classes are so that I can buy the books ahead of time. I am so freaking excited and proud of myself!
I've been feeling really good recently. Not much depression or sadness. I do feel stressed and such and money is tight and that overwhelms me. But I'm doing well.
I have an amazing fiance who is just incredible, he's always here for me and supportive and loving.
I have two absolutely beautiful and amazing little ones who just mean the world to me. They're both just super good and loving children. I couldn't have gotten more lucky.
And I have an amazing best friend who although we don't talk to each other every single day, we always keep in touch and pick up wherever we left off. I can tell him and talk to him about anything.

Will that time ever come?

I'm feeling quite depressed.
I got mail from the school I'm trying to attend today which says that there is a mandatory, 2 day, overnight orientation. And it's $40 to attend. Wtf? I can NOT do that. I have a 7 month old I need to be home to nurse and care for and a 6 yr old. I can't leave them both for 2 whole days and overnight, that's crazy! I'm going to contact the school tomorrow to see if there are any other options.
I hate my life. Everyday I get up and I pretend all is well. I pretend that I'm okay. I pretend that I can do this. But it's just pretend. I'm not where I wish I could be and because I'm not, I can't be who I really want to be. I can't be this good mom that I wish to be. I can't even care for my kids and I pretend I can.
We're living in my dads apartment in one bedroom, barely getting by. It's pathetic. Justin is working all the time, nearly everyday, only to bring home less than $200 each week. We are barely scraping by. For the first time in my life I buckled and went and got foodstamps. I feel so weak. I hate this life. I hate that I couldn't have been born to supportive parents who lead me in the right direction. I hate that I had my children so young without being stable. I hate that I feel so alone in everything that I do. I hate it all. I want to cry but I just ignore it and pretend that everything is ok. But it's not.
School is my only way out. It's going to take between 5-7 years for me to get a stable job but it's worth it. But in the meantime, we're trapped. We're trapped and I will continue trying to fake it until I make it. But even then, maybe I won't be happy. I don't know.
Tonight I messaged Liz and asked how they are. She told me they're heading to the beach, which apparently is a super long drive which requires a hotel I guess. I only got 3 pictures. I feel disappointed, although, I should just feel grateful that I got a response at all. But instead I feel sad and disappointed. And out of those 3 pictures is only 1 of him alone. Just one. I then ranted to her about how fucking awful my life is and how shitty of a person I am. Yeah, I don't even care what she thinks about me anymore. Maybe unconsciously I'm trying to destroy the contact we have because it triggers me and it haunts me, and I hate it.

Recently I've been struggling with my relationship with Justin. I don't know what's wrong. I love him so much and I know he loves me. He's loving, kind, caring, supportive, understanding, compassionate, he's everything good that I ever wanted. But I guess I don't feel I deserve it. And when I'm feeling how I have been recently it bothers the fuck out of me. I don't want to tell him how I feel and I don't know why. I don't want him reading over my shoulder to find out what's going on with me. I don't want him to touch me or to kiss me. I just want to be left alone. I don't know what is wrong with me, all I know is that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I don't want our relationship to be ruined or to fail. I don't want to lose him in my life. But I can't shake or stop how I'm feeling. I don't know what to do. I feel so sad all the time and alone. I just don't know anymore.

I hate how I feel. I hate everything. Whenever I feel like this, I want to give up. I just want to fucking give up. I get all these awful thoughts in my head. Nothing I would follow through with. But they haunt me, torture me. I feel trapped and there is no way out.

Am I going to feel like this for the rest of my life? When will I ever finally be able to say. I am exactly where I want to be and I'm happy. ? Will that time ever come?

Can you imagine the pain?

Can you imagine? I'm not looking for pity here but just to get some people to understand. Can you imagine carrying a pregnancy.... feeling every kick and movement, hearing every heartbeat, watching every u/s.... Gaining weight, vomiting up your meals, and feeling your body become weak as it nourishes the fetus inside you sucking out your energy. Then you eventually go into labor... if you're like me five... six times.. going to the hospital and being put on machines, being injected with steroids and medications to help the pregnancy remain. Then eventually going into real labor and being in labor for five... seven... ten.... hours? Then pushing for who knows how long until finally a healthy baby is delivered. You hear this baby cry, screech ! You feel your heart tug at you as they rush this baby you delivered, YOUR baby, out of the room...
You are not permitted to go see this baby you just birthed, not right away, and doing so is going against the "morals" of the adoption plan you have set up.
But you do it anyways, the next day. You have to see this baby. You must hold him or her against you and breathe in your child's scent.
You go down to the NICU or nursery and your baby is crying frantically, screaming his or her lungs out. You walk over and you gently pick your baby up, sit down and lay him or her against your chest. He or she stops instantly, recognizing you as mother. But you have no carseat, no money, and will have no home if you leave this hospital with this baby right now. What kind of mother would you be, you question yourself? What kind of person and mother would I be to leave with this tiny little person with no means of caring for him or her at all? What kind of mother would I be to not stop and think about my other child back at home who needs me, who I can barely care for at this moment either? I'm a bad mother. He or she doesn't deserve me. They don't deserve me as a mother. I am useless, I am worthless. I can't be what they need me to be right now. I am alone, I have no support, no help. How can I keep my baby?
You stare down at him or her for hours, counting the eyelashes or the breathes this newborn takes. All of a sudden the prospective adoptive couple swoops in with their excitement. Your tears are ignored. They pressure you to hold "Their" baby. How can you say no? What can you do right now? How can you say, "I want more time?" How can you deny them? What an awful person you would be to take this moment away from them. How could you make them nervous about taking this little one home? How could you ruin them? Their emotions matter more than yours. You are unable to speak, scared to say anything wrong to these people so eager to take your baby from your arms.
You leave the room empty handed and go back to your recovery room alone. You cry your eyes out searching for any way to keep your baby but no ways are to be found. Nurses come in and you beg them to talk, they shake their heads and say they're too busy and shuffle out the door on their way. Nobody comes in to see how you're doing, although your cries are pretty loud and hard to muffle even with the pillows.
A lawyer comes in and tells you to follow him. He leads you into a large room that has two older women sitting at it. They gaze at your, as if they're staring deep into your soul. Then all this paperwork is pushed in front of you and a pen handed. The lawyer grazes through it telling you "initial here, initial here, now sign here". This is too much, this is too hard, you mentally and emotionally shut down. Your eyes glaze over and your hand glides over the papers just doing as told as you zone out. What else can you do? You leave, get in your car and drive home.
Later that night your breasts fill with milk and you try to sleep, you awaken hearing baby cries, your baby's cries, the ones you heard in the hospital before you picked up your baby. You dart upwards from the bed searching everywhere - where are these cries coming from? Too disoriented to realize they're coming from your own head. But they're real, too real. Your baby needs you, you need to find him or her.
Days pass and every night you wake from dreams screaming, instinct tells you to find your baby - even though your brain tells you that your baby isn't here. Your baby can't be found.
You beg the universe to please let this pain leave, please let it stop. But it doesn't. You're overcome with so much grief and nobody there to understand. You call a friend or a family member and you're told, "You did what was best, you'll survive". But you don't feel like you will. "You'll get over it, he or she deserved better". My other child deserves better too, I shouldn't be here. The world crumbles around you and your emotions are negated by everyone at every corner you look.
You end up going to check yourself into the hospital because you know you can't make it through this alone. Your emotions are too powerful, too strong. But you did the right thing, right? Your emotions don't matter at all. Who cares about how you feel. Except, you can't shut it off. It's there and it will never go away.

Cloning.

Thinking about Bennett's adoption hurts. Sometimes I feel like I want to make up a fake story and go along with it. Like he died in childbirth or something. It feels like that kind of loss but at the same time though, it isn't. But I feel ashamed to tell people I "gave him up for adoption". I hate it. It sounds and feels so awful. I don't even want to mention it because of the backlash I get. But I hate not being able to mention him - my son, that I carried and delivered. I hate just leaving him out of my birth stories or naming stories. I hate only mentioning Lailah and Noel and acting as if he had never existed, like the pregnancy never happened.
Adoption isn't understood. I either get too much glittery sunshine positivism which negates my feelings or I get insulted and attacked for it. I don't like either. It's unfair. Nobody cares about how I feel though. I'm often told that how I feel doesn't matter and that all that does matter is him and how he feels. I care about him, I really really do, but why don't I matter at all? My pain, my sorrow, my grief - I'm told that it's selfish to feel these things, but I don't know how to stop it. Why can't I make these feelings just go away?
I try to tell myself he's happy and he's doing well. But then I think, "He's happy and doing well, without me." And that really hurts. I then start to think, "Would that mean that Lailah and Noel would be better off without me too?" And I don't know how to find the answer, "No, they are happy and well with you." Because, what if they would be more happy and well with others? And why is the adoption of Bennett okay just because he may be happy and well, which he could have had if he had stayed with me as well?
Sometimes I feel like I do hate myself though because I feel like Bennett isn't mine, in a sense. He is theirs. He was born to me, yes.
But I feel like he was cloned at birth and he was born healthy and well. And in this alternate universe in my imagination - this life I feel I have lived - there was cloning. Cloning was a normal procedure done to help infertile or same sex couples have a baby. It was also a way to protect your own baby. In case the clone of child were to get sick they would have a 100% DNA match. I allowed my precious boy to be cloned so this family could have a baby and to possibly protect and save him in the future. After the cloning process there were two perfect, amazing, gorgeous little boys. But in a short time later doctors noticed that something had gone wrong. The chance of this happening was apparently high but not often told or talked about. The procedure went wrong and he died. It was my fault. I let him get cloned. I allowed this to happen to him. I didn't know all the risks. I was told that he would be fine, that he would be happy and healthy. I was told that everything would be okay. That I was just helping a family grow. I was told that I would be seen as this amazing person who helped bless others with a child. But I feel they lied! Because he is not okay. Now they have his clone - his clone who looks JUST like my child, smiles JUST like my little boy, cries JUST like my precious son. I want him back. I want my baby back. But there is no going back. They are happy as can be as all my pain seeps out of me. They feel pity for me. But they will not allow themselves to feel shame or sorrow. They didn't choose this, I did. They wanted their baby and I just obliged.
I left the hospital empty handed, my breasts seeping wet with milk that was meant for my baby. I wake nightly hallucinating my baby crying for me, I search the house for my son who is no longer with me. I think of them. I need to know the clone, I MUST know his clone. His clone is not him but his clone is like him and I HAVE to know what my son would have been like if he were here with me. I text them begging them to let me see pictures, let me know what he's like, let me know his new milestones, please - anything, just anything at all. It's all I have to hold onto now. The clone is all I have for my sanity to remain intact.
Now they pity me and they are thankful to me for sacrificing my son for them. They thank me constantly and let me know how brave I was to allow such to happen for their happiness. I didn't know this was going to happen. I didn't know I would feel like this. I get some pictures and sometimes a short video, and as happy as it makes me feel that his clone is doing well, thriving, and happy. I relive my grief and pain every single time I get pictures. My head tumbles around and I get thoughts such as, "But he isn't MINE." "HE will never be MINE." "MY baby is GONE. He can't come back!".
The pictures show me what my son MAY have looked like, MAY have sounded like, MAY have had a personality like, MAY have been like. But MAYBE not. Maybe this clone is nothing like my baby would have been, nothing like him at all. And I will never know.
Who knows, maybe one day the clone won't like his life or will feel he never belonged and he will be angry at me too. Maybe one day he will come to me and ask me why I did this to him, why I allowed this to happen. Maybe one day he will want to know me and want to treat me as if I am his mother. Maybe he will...
I don't know how I will respond to that and frankly, it scares me. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't know.

Feeling abandoned.

I've been on edge lately. I want to say, "I don't know what is wrong with me." But that would be a lie. I do know. I feel as if I can't heal or move forward from my past, from things that have hurt me to my very core.
Starting from way way back to when I was little... I feel like I can't heal or move forward from feeling as if my mom never truly loved me or cared about me. I wish I felt as if I was wanted by her but I don't, never have, and I don't think I ever will. It's something I need to learn to heal from and just accept but I don't know how.
After that is feeling as if I was always abandoned or sent away. I can't even tell you how many times I was dropped off at hospitals to stay the day or overnight, or left with therapists or a "big sister". Or sent to dance or cheerleading and forced to go even if I didn't want to or didn't feel good, so that my mom didn't have to parent me. At least that's how it felt to me. I felt like she'd rather pay others to care for me so that she didn't have to be around me. And that is such a shitty feeling. And it sucked even more that I got attached to these people who were in my life more than my own mother was and then they left me too. I was nothing more than a paycheck to anybody that I cared about growing up. And that really hurts, still.
All of my dance teachers and cheer coaches moved on in their lives and forgot about me. All my doctors and nurses that cared for me probably never thought about me once they left work. And my "big sister" - Karen, who I had for 4 years, she left to move to NY and she never looked back. She's never tried to find me. What was I to her? Why did she just abandon me? Why did they all just abandon me?
Then I grew up only to abandon someone I love very very much - my own son. I left him behind at the hospital in NICU with strangers. The difference is is that I think about him everyday. One day I hope to get to know him and have a relationship with him and be there for him. But I don't even know if he'll ever want that from me.

I'm hurting and I feel heartbroken. I feel left and abandoned and I never grieved these losses.

I feel like I never grieve, I never mourn. I don't know why, I don't know what is wrong with me. My great grandmother who I grew up with passed away years ago and I didn't feel anything, I didn't cry. My Uncle Rob and my Aunt Lisa who I grew up with both passed away too and still I felt nothing. Growing up many of my pets passed away and quite a few died tragic awful deaths and nothing. I feel like I have something wrong with bonding.. maybe it's due to all the abandonment I feel I went through.

The only people I can say I truly and honestly have a bond to and are close with are my kids, Justin, and Tom. That's seriously it, I feel. Just them. I love Bennett - but he's not even here for me to bond with. He's probably the only person I've ever mourned to begin with. Which I'm still mourning.

I guess I just had to get that off my chest.

At the moment I'm feeling sort of sad from thinking about all of that. I'm also feeling frustrated. I was trying to clean this room up but Noel was screaming his head off to be held. I picked him up and nursed him down to a nap but this room is still a disaster. Blah.

Well, until next time my fingers hit the keyboard...

Where is my baby?

Where is my baby?

My baby is neither here or there - he's not with me nor in the skies
Each morning comes and after I awake I do not have him here to rise.

There's a version of him somewhere else,
far away I can not cope.
I mourn and grieve through these spells,
To be with him is all I hope.

My baby I had left behind,
A couple strangers as my compromise.
It's not as nature had designed,
One fit for all was not the size.

Where is my baby?
My darling boy?
Lost in time, maybe?
This was their ploy.

My baby is lost but not here or there -
Nor with me or in the skies.
This pain is torture - I just can't bare,
The girl within just waits and cries.

A couple happy as can be,
a baby boy is all they need.
He blossoms and grows for them to see,
a few updates I get for me to read.

This child though is not my own,
a copy of my genes for them to grow.
This crazy situation I undergo.

Where is my baby?
My darling boy?
I can't beg 'save me',
when he's their joy.

My baby is neither here or there - he's not with me nor in the skies
Each morning comes and after I awake I do not have him here to rise.

Where is my baby?
I can not cope...
To be with him is my only hope.

Short post

Where are we?

Well, we got food stamps which is extremely helpful. Although, I really hate getting help. It makes me feel weak and I feel judged whenever I take out the card. I wish I didn't need help or any sort of assistance.
I can't wait to start school. I'm so excited. I really just want to pretend like this is my new start and a fresh new chapter for me and my family. By family I mean Justin, Lailah, and Noel. :)
Not much else has really been happening. Recently I made Lailah's teacher Miss B, A blanket. I felt really proud of myself, it came out really well. I loved it. But that's what I spent my time doing.
I don't really know how I'm going to spend my time this summer. All I know is that I want to spend more time being interactive with my kids. Maybe take Lailah and some cards to the beach or the park. Bring Lailah to my moms pool for short visits. I don't know but I'll figure something out. I also need to get this room in order and get all our laundry sorted - it's a disaster. Blah.
I've sort of shut off from a lot of people. I talk to Tom, my family, my parents - sort of, and Tiffany sometimes. Other than that I don't do much. I deleted a ton of people off FB and I left a lot of groups.

Where we are at now.

A little bit of catch up shall we... 

I applied for some jobs and I got a call back last Weds for a job as an HBTS. I was really excited at first and was thrilled to receive the call. The woman was going to schedule me for an interview but then hesitated and said she had to speak to the scheduling supervisor first and that she would email me. But she never emailed me. She said to me that if the supervisor approved the interview would be on this Tuesday - today. Over the next few days and weekend I didn't get my hopes up about the job. 

Yesterday I got a call from Johnson and Wales - the college I want to attend. It was the financial advisor.. She told me that I have a full financial aid package and that I don't have to pay anything. So, I got really excited and thrilled to hear that. That means that school can be my way into a brighter future. Yeah, it'll be 5 years for me to get my Masters degree, but the past 6 years since I've had Lailah have FLOWN by. So I know I can do this. Then last night around 3-3:30 the interview woman called me and left me a message saying she didn't have my resume or anything but that she was going to confirm the interview for today at 9am. 

My head started spinning with thoughts like this: 

How am I going to go to school full time, go to work part time, and see my babies? How am I going to get any homework done? How am I going to pump that much milk while being gone all day? Is money worth not seeing my children?

I started having major anxiety. I decided to call two people that I trust the most besides Justin. First I called and talked to Tom and heard what he thoughts, then I called my Aunt Cindy and heard what she had to say, and I decided that I was going to make school my priority. 

So here we are. We're living at my dads and I'm hoping Justin gets a better job or he gets promoted to manager at McDonalds. They did raise his pay to $8.35 supposedly. But that's not really helpful at all. 

My dad let us use his food stamps for food, so I went shopping and grabbed a bunch of things for the whole house. 

I like being here at my dads a whoolllleee lot more than being at my moms. Although, I've always liked my dad more than my mom. My dad has hurt me in the past but he's not as emotionally or mentally or verbally abusive as my mom is. He doesn't make me feel suicidal or like hurting myself to cope with the pain. 

Summer is here and I am hoping to get out of the house a lot more. Although, Lailah doesn't get out of school until the 19th. Maybe I can talk my dad into a lot of beach trips - that way I'm not wasting gas. 

In lighter news, my baby girl is almost out of kindergarten. I am so proud of her. I can't believe how big she's gotten and how intelligent she is. She is literally the most perfect child I could ask for. She's a great big sister and she's an amazing listener, she has a huge heart and an intelligent mind. She's an awesome little person. I can't wait to see the person she grows into one day and everyday I am to steer her in the right direction to be the best person she can become. Noel is wonderful. He's growing so fast. He's pretty advanced I think, for his age. He's doing so much. For more on them you can check out the blogs I have for them. 

In other news - Amazing littles and ENGAGED !!

In other news. Lailah is almost done with Kindergarten ! She's done so extremely well and I am so proud of her! She is also losing her first tooth, although, it's not wiggly enough to come out yet.












Noel has learned to sit up all on his own already! At 5 months old! He also has his very first tooth coming in! Lol, out with one tooth, in with the other! So funny!



Justin and I are doing great. Really solid relationship I believe. We communicate well and he's just perfect for me. He proposed !! We are engaged and I couldn't be any happier ! I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anybody else. He's my light in the tunnel that gives me hope and courage to keep moving forward. He's my rock who keeps me grounded and safe. He's so much to me and I love him so much.

I've survived.

I've survived.
These past two months have felt like I've been living in Hell on Earth. Seriously. It has been emotional and mental hell.
Hit over and over again.
My sister being an asshole. Wham.
Bennett's birthday. Wham.
My family going on the cruise and everything that happened with that. Wham, wham, wham.
Mothers day. Wham!
My mother being a cunt. Double wham!
Leaving my mothers house, bouncing around others homes, and finally landing back at my dads house. WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, WHAMWHAMWHAM.

Jeeze,  you'd think I'd be able to catch a break but nope.
So, in my last post I ended off with talking about the cruise and the daycare. Mothers day was approaching the following day. So here goes:

The sad thing about Mothers day - besides not having Bennett with me, was that I went to get my mom a card and unfortunately I couldn't find anything that wouldn't have made me a liar to buy. She was never there for me, never listened to me, never hugged me, never cared for me, nor has she ever been supportive or kind to me. She's everything I aim not to be as a mother. So, that really sucked because I felt obligated to get her a card or something or else I'd have had to hear it nonstop from her. I'd have been attacked by her, my sister, and my brother. I didn't want to deal with it.
Fast forward to the Monday after Mother's day - almost 2 weeks ago. I had an appointment to go to and my mom was supposed to watch Noel for me as I attended my appointment that was only a half hour long. But she wasn't home. Moe was home but I didn't feel comfortable leaving Noel with her so I didn't go. When my mom got home I attempted to talk to her about it but she claimed that she told me she had a doctors appt which she did not tell me it was at the same time as mine - and that she felt Moe could just watch him anyhow. I told her I did not feel comfortable with Moe watching him since I didn't like the way she was with children at all. She overheard me from the other room - which I didn't even know she was in. She texted my mom threatening her that if I didn't go downstairs then she was leaving and no longer helping her with the daycare because I wasn't supposed to be there during daycare hours. So my mom started freaking out - mostly on me. I was hungry and I had gone upstairs to eat which is when I caught my mom for the conversation.
So, I ended up calling 211 and got us put on the family shelter list.
So - fast forward to the next Thursday I got a call from a shelter that is 25 minutes away. I told her I would have to talk to my family and call her back (Justin and Lailah).
Fast forward to Saturday - My mom came downstairs "asking" (demanding) that I go and watch a daycare kid because she "emotionally don't feel well". I asked her why, she told me that she got caught by the state withholding abuse information about her husbands ex which placed his kids in a dangerous situation. So they stripped her of her daycare license since she is required by law to report any and all abusive situations immediately. Which she failed to do until it was convenient for her (she wanted to take custody of her husbands other 2 kids to spite the mother).
Anyways...

So, I said, "Welcome to my world." 

and she said, "I wish I had your life, it's so EASY!" 

And I said,  "You have no idea what my life is like or how I feel because you don't care to. You don't care to know me or talk to me or understand me. I struggle a lot emotionally and mentally and you don't even care." 

So she went off like a firecracker! Screaming, "Nevermind! I don't want your help! You only ever care about yourself! Everything is always about you! Who cares about anyone else because you're selfish! You only care about you! You won't even help or care about your own mother!" 

As she ran upstairs and locked all of the doors. -.-
So noon passed and 1pm, 2pm, 3pm - Lailah went upstairs multiple times knocking on the door telling my mom she's hungry and thirsty and to let her in but my mom would not let her in, even though she was sitting right inside the kitchen on the other side of the door.
So I decided that was the final straw and I packed up our things and we left. I had no idea where we were going but we left. My dad came over and he helped us pack our things into the car and then he took us for lunch/dinner because we were starving!
I ended up driving an hour away to go stay at my aunt Cindy and uncle Mikes house. They are the nicest people I know. I love my aunt Cindy more than she knows, I think. She really listens to me, gets me, understands me - you know? I feel like she really is the only person (besides Justin) who truly tries to understand me and cares for me. It means the world to me. I really hope she knows that. I keep telling her but I don't know how much she really believes me. I appreciate it and I appreciate her.
So we stayed with them for one night and then we moved on into Justin's Adads house.
We stayed there the past week.
We called back the shelter on Monday in attempt to go there but they told us we had to get Background checks done. So we went and got them but Justin's pat court shit was on his record even though he was found Not Guilty. So we were told we had to get it expunged. We went to the courthouse to do that and he got a court date to go to and it's $100 to get it cleared. WTF.
Now we are at my dads house, moved back in.

The next steps are for me to get a job and work towards getting the necessary scholarships for school in fall. I HAVE to do this.
I really want to attempt to get the job back that I had 3 years ago as a home based therapist working with children who have behavioral and mental health struggles. It pays well. The only problem with that is that they only have 15 hour a week cases, which would mean that I would need to take on 2 cases and I don't know if they do that. Because daycare assistance requires 20 hours of work a week. And we wouldn't be able to afford to pay someone for daycare when it would be more than half the money that I'm making. It would be pointless.
So, I guess we'll see..... I'll report back when I know more.

I need a boat

I've built up this wall. This wall that surrounds everything internal and precious to me - my sanity, my humanity, my existence, my life. I built up this wall in the center of my little island in which I live on, knowing about the harsh storms and rising tides on the outer edges of my floating rock of land. Over the past decade the storms have been very harsh, threatening - and the tide has closed in. I just built my walls higher and thicker. Things seemed to have settled down and worry faded away. Happiness and joy was all that flooded in until I recently checked out of my watchtower and noticed that my island is smaller than ever and only my wall and the water outside it exist. My walls are being threatened in the worst way. The water could continue rising and the inevitable will be the result - I will drown. I don't have any boats - I never prepared for this, I never knew how bad this was going to get. I thought I took all necessary precautions within reason. I call out -- I just need someone to help me build a boat. I need hope and guidance. Where do I go from here?

I crumbled.

Tomorrow is mothers day. I should feel happy and blessed and all that wonderful stuff. But all I can think of is about how I don't have all my children with me. Bennett is with his aparents and I just wish I could see him and hug him again. But I can't.
I've really been struggling recently. Last Friday was awful. I was in complete breakdown mode. I had these thoughts that just wouldn't let up on attacking me and emotions that overwhelmed me more than I could handle in one day. I was texting Justin and just completely broke down. I wasn't feeling very safe at all. I was even about to go sign myself into Butler (mental) hospital for some assistance with coping. Justin left work and came home to get me through the day.
I ended up smoking a couple times over the past couple days. I needed something to help me through all these emotions and struggles. I even had a couple drinks on Friday night while I went out to play cards.
I still am struggling. I feel so down.
When I first smoked I felt a bit paranoid. I went and sat in my moms bed (because for some reason I relate safety to my mom) with Justin and Noel, then Lailah came up and she cuddled me and I stroked her hair and Noel was laying on his belly looking up at me babbling away and I just broke down crying. I felt so entirely blessed to have them in my life. I felt like having them was complete and pure happiness and in that moment I got to just live and breathe them with everything else feeling non-existent. It didn't matter where we were or who else was around. It was as if they were all I could see, breathe, and know. And in that moment I felt like I was in heaven as complete happiness overwhelmed me. I just smiled and cried and cried while holding my little ones. If that makes me a bad mother, so be it.
Tonight Liz sent me a mothers day video with pictures of Bennett. It was sweet. It literally made me cry. I tried to have an open conversation with her but I guess I overwhelmed her because she stopped responding. I really wish I could ask to meet him. To fly down there and be able to spend a day with him, laughing and hugging him. I wish I could be around him again. But I know he doesn't know me and it would problem be weird and frightening for him. Blah. Why is this so difficult and stupid?
I have so much more to say but the baby is getting fussy so I have to cut this short to tend to him. But next time, hopefully I'll be able to get more out.

Here's the video. And here's our convo: